


Kirby's Insane Halloween II: The Cursed Word

by ClaudeLv250



Series: Kirby's Insane Holidays [2]
Category: Kirby (Video Games), Star Fox Series, Super Mario & Related Fandoms, Super Smash Brothers, The Legend of Zelda & Related Fandoms
Genre: Action/Adventure, Gen, Halloween, Humor, Transformation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-02
Updated: 2017-10-08
Packaged: 2018-08-19 05:16:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 23,923
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8191600
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ClaudeLv250/pseuds/ClaudeLv250
Summary: The Smashers visit Earth for a night of trick or treating, but Yoshi's abrasive attitude results in a curse that makes you transform into your costume when one utters the magic word, "Shadoink!"...What do you mean, "Shadoink isn't a real word?"





	1. Know When to Quit

**Author's Note:**

> In the spirit of the holiday, I wrote a Halloween themed side story to my first SSB series, Kirby’s Insane Journey. In that story, the Smashers were trapped in a haunted house and solved a 50-year-old mystery. In this sequel, the Smashers go to Earth to experience a real Halloween, but a curse interferes with their fun (or enhances it, depending on your view). The plotlines are not heavily connected so there isn’t too much baggage to shift through, but there is an original character from the first story that returns here (and one or two from the main series).
> 
> Disclaimer: Super Smash Bros. and all related characters are the property of Nintendo. I whipped up most of original characters except for the real people that appear in the story.

Yoshi trudged through the damp streets of the marketplace with ease as its sea of patrons consciously parted with every move he made. To an outsider, it would appear as if an invisible barrier had repelled everyone several feet from Yoshi, its epicenter. 

The people of Hyrule were actually familiar with his appearance, as his visits to the royal family with the rest of the Smash Brothers were frequent. But he was still an anomaly to them, and even though they recognized him, they weren’t completely comfortable. Rumors that the dino could eat people whole made sure of that. 

Yoshi reveled in the attention. Constantly being watched meant that everyone knew he was there, and he wouldn’t have it any other way. 

He continued his trek, watching the castle loom over the rooftops. The sound of boots on wet pavement stopped suddenly as a smell instinctively drew a scowl along his face. It was faint, and he had been distracted enough to doubt his senses, but as he went to lift his foot again, the smell returned sharper than ever and wafted through his oversized snout. 

_Chamomile incense._  

His eyes darted in the direction of the aroma. The thin blanket of fog was of no hindrance; he spotted the shop immediately. Madam Baker’s Fortunes sat boldly at the end of the street. He almost walked by without even noticing it! 

The door sat ajar with a velvet curtain hanging in the doorway as a sort of ‘replacement.’ Just the sight made Yoshi want to gag, but like a homing missile, his direction changed effortlessly as he closed in on a new objective. A brisk walk turned into a run as a mixture of disbelief and curiosity welled up inside of him. Surely the last anyone would see of Madam Baker was at the Poe Festival? This had to be a coincidence. 

Yoshi charged through the curtain with little regard and nearly collided with a Hylian man in the main chamber. 

“Get out of my way!” Yoshi barked. The man was taken aback when he realized what was talking to him, but gathered enough courage to complain. 

“But I didn’t get my fortune read!” 

“I’m doing you a favor, buddy – she’s a fraud!” 

The man inched around Yoshi before running away in near-hysterics, letting a few loose rupees fall onto the carpet. 

A glance around the room told Yoshi all he needed to know. It was a replica of the tent at the Poe Festival. Purple drapes hung all along the room, possibly placed randomly, and along the walls were mystical-looking relics. Above those were portraits of Madam Baker’s ancestors. A table sat low in the middle of the room, and surrounding it were pillows. On the other side of the table was Madam Baker draped in a shawl, though her crooked, olive nose pointed through. Her aged fingers gripped a crystal ball. 

“I’ve been expecting you,” the old woman whispered. 

 “Sure you have,” Yoshi sneered, approaching the table. 

“Sit.” 

“No thanks,” he said, staring into her shawl. He couldn’t tell if she was making eye contact with his disapproving glare. “So what brings you to the castle town? Didn’t rip off enough people at the festival?” 

“My costumers are satisfied with my service.” 

“The ignorant usually are.” 

A tense silence blanketed the room. Madam Baker’s hands glided over the crystal ball, and Yoshi was sure that she was trying her best to ignore him. 

“Possessing such anger is unhealthy and unwise,” Madam Baker told him suddenly, listening to his short, angry breaths. 

“Are you trying to lecture me?! The fraud wants to lecture me!” Yoshi yelled through the room. “I’m letting Zelda know about you. Better hope the weather clears up soon ‘cause you’re going out in the street!” 

“The princess is well aware of my location. You would do well not to stir unnecessary trouble.” 

“Was that a threat?” Yoshi leaned forward with a grin of amusement and mischief. “Listen up, hag. All you do is swindle people. I know it. You know it. You know that I know it. I know that you know that I know it. Eventually, everyone will know it. So you might want to think twice before you make threats as empty as your fortunes. Quite frankly, you’re full of shadoink.” 

“What did you...?” the fortunteller’s head tilted upward curiously. “That word..?” 

“What about it?” 

“In all the years of my life, I have met few with such callous and reckless language as yours,” Madam Baker hissed quickly, her demeanor changing. “Your ignorance towards your destructive behavior is beyond the point of arguing. Many, many years ago I swore to use my abilities to direct misguided souls back onto the right path. You must be made accountable for your arrogance and belligerence in order to learn the errors of your ways. It will be a hard task, but you **will** learn your lesson before the day is over.” 

Yoshi stepped back in surprise. Seeing the fortuneteller affected by his antagonism was a first, but he didn’t begin to regret his actions until a cold, sinking feeling crept along his body. 

The candles that lit the room dimmed when a light wind glided in. A nondescript shape formed of smoke spun within Madam Baker’s crystal ball. Across the surface of the ball, her withered fingers danced a meticulous ritual solidified by the ages. The air became thin as Yoshi took shorter breaths. The old woman stood rigid from her seat and pointed one long finger at him from beyond her shawl. 

“A curse I place upon you and that word!” she whispered harshly. Yoshi blinked, and in that instant, everything had returned to normal. The lights were back, the air was fine, and Madam Baker was sitting at the table, her fingers interlaced on the crystal ball. 

“You can’t scare me with a fake curse!” Yoshi declared. 

“There is still time to atone.”

“Atone THIS!” 

Yoshi pushed the chamomile incense sticks onto the floor and shook his tail at Madam Baker before running out of the store.

 

* * *

 

 

The doors to the throne room opened and Yoshi ran in. Princess Zelda stood before a circular mirror, admiring her new dress. It resembled her old one, though all traces of white were replaced with solid black, the purple cloth was blood red, and the gold stitching and shoulder plates seemed to be accentuated. 

“Oh, hello Yoshi,” she greeted, seeing Yoshi’s image in the mirror. 

“I saw Madam _Faker_ in the town! Can you believe it? She has the nerve to set up shop here!” 

“I’ve known for awhile. She opened the shop right after the Poe Festival.” 

Yoshi looked taken aback as he asked, “You’re not going to do anything about her?” 

“She has the right...” the princess murmured. 

“But she’s a fraud!” Yoshi whined. 

Zelda sighed, “Did you come here just to reignite that old debate?” 

Yoshi grunted and folded his arms. “Nobody wants to talk about that hag anyway! Besides, she knows she’s skating on thin ice with me.” 

The princess narrowed her eyes in suspicion. “What did you do? Did you harass her?” 

“Who says I did anything? I’m just surprised that she’s still ripping people off.” 

Zelda gave him a skeptical glance but decided to drop the subject. “So where’s your Halloween costume?” she asked. 

“Don’t have one!” Yoshi proudly announced. 

“You’re...not wearing a costume?” 

“No one would know it’s me.” 

“That’s the point. You get to pretend to be someone else for a day without breaking any laws. And people give you candy.” 

“Being anyone but myself would be a downgrade.”

Zelda rolled her eyes and turned back to the mirror. Yoshi finally paid attention to her new attire. 

“...Who are you supposed to be?” 

“I’m Dark Princess Zelda! I’m mysterious and edgy!” Zelda picked up a thin black shawl and used it to cover the bottom half of her face. 

Yoshi looked on in disbelief. “You’re going as a version of yourself that doesn’t actually exist? _Laaaame!_ ” 

Zelda frowned and said, “If a version of Link with a black tunic and red eyes can get a ton of fans, I think people will be able to appreciate a dark equivalent of me.” She twirled in the black dress and asked, “How do I look?” 

“ _...Laaaame!_ ” 

Zelda hoisted Yoshi and threw him out of the throne room. 

“Hey!” he complained as he hit the floor. “You can’t kick me out! This is the meeting place!” 

“Then you’ll just have to wait until everyone else gets here.” 

Yoshi folded his arms and turned his back to the closing doors. 

“Maybe I will!”


	2. I Never Cosplayed for My Father

Yoshi nodded off in the hallway, falling into a comfortable sleep complete with an obnoxious snoring. His slumber was eventually interrupted by a sudden flick to his nose. 

“Huh?!” 

His blurred vision cleared just enough to make out a familiar face hovering over him and a small group further down the hall. 

“Claude? What are you doing here?” 

“I’m the author. I’m allowed at least one insert per year.” 

“What?? What does that even mean?” 

“It means it’s almost time to go.” 

The doors to the throne room opened and Zelda happily greeted her guests. She let out excited ‘ooo’s and ‘aah’s as she admired each costume. Yoshi lagged behind, feeling ignored. 

Kirby, Captain Falcon, Claude, Samus, Fox, Iris, Niko, Clyde and Wario took the time to scope out each other’s outfits – but there were some absences. 

“Where’s Marth?” Yoshi asked. 

“He didn’t want to take any chances so he bowed out,” Claude said. 

Zelda was saddened but understood. “After the last incident, can you blame him? He’s not used to that kind of insanity.” 

Choosing not to dwell on it, Zelda did a full spin in her black dress. “So, what do you think? 

“Ooo,” Claude murmured. “Are you like a dark version of yourself?” 

“Precisely!” Zelda confirmed excitedly. “At least _someone_ gets that!” She cut a dirty look to Yoshi. 

“Yeah, yeah,” Yoshi uttered dismissively. “So Claude, watcha wearin’? Don’t tell me you’re Dark Claude.” 

Claude put on a pair of shades and brandished a plastic sword from his black trenchcoat. “I’m Blade and I hunt the undead.” 

Yoshi folded his arms skeptically. “....Never heard of him, and since you’re wearing all black, I’m just going to call you Dark Claude.” He suddenly cried out in pain as Claude smacked in the side of his head with the plastic sword. 

“Well, my costume should be pretty obvious,” Fox announced, feeling proud. Loose, raggedy clothing adorned him, and there were various stitchings along his limbs and scattered bruises. 

“You’re a hobo!” Claude yelled in enlightenment. 

Fox instantly scowled. “I’m not a hobo, you bafomdad! I’m a zombie! I’ve been dead for days! Can’t you see the stiches holding together my decomposing body?” 

Claude tilted his head as he looked at Fox’s costume again. “You...still look like a hobo that lost a fight.” 

“ _You’re_ going to lose a fight if you keep saying that!” 

“Now, now,” Iris said, rubbing Fox’s shoulders. “You’re in the presence of a fairy princess!” 

The vixen wore her red hair in a bun with a glittering tiara atop her head. A pink gown with (fake) gemstones lining its seams covered her body. Fairy wings sprouted from the back of the dress and she held a wand with a glowing star at its tip in one of her gloved hands. 

“I’ll grant all your wishes!” Iris stated whimsically, waving the wand and pressing a button on the base that sprayed glitter from the star onto Yoshi’s face. 

“Yohoho!” Captain Falcon uttered. “Keep yer wand away from me!” 

“You’re a pirate again?” Yoshi asked in disbelief, wiping the glitter from his face. 

“Again?” Falcon looked offended. “I was a Space Pirate last time. I’m a pirate captain now! After Samus showed me **hundreds** of hours of footage of Space Pirates raiding ships to prove that they never say ‘arrr,’ I decided to dress up as a REAL pirate!" 

A pirate hat sat atop his helmet and a stuffed bird sat on his right shoulder. He haphazardly strapped an eye patch to the front of his helmet and a blue coat over his racing uniform. He took out a pegleg and strapped it to the front of his knee, then bent his leg back and hobbled around in a circle with the pegleg. 

“And I thought Niko’s outfit was the most ridiculous,” Samus said, tapping the metal ensemble covering Niko. She described it the best way she could, “You look like a hyena merged with a furnace.” 

“That’s because I’m Flame Hyenard. BURN TO THE GROUND!” 

Samus sighed. “You’re not going to say that all day, are you?” 

“BURN!” 

“Forget about that!” Kirby interjected, “Check my costume out.” He wore a little suit jacket on his round body with a tie and small briefcase to match. “Claude said that people can dress up like things everyone fears and loathes so I thought, _‘what do people hate more than a lawyer?’_ ” 

There was a chorus of agreement in the room as Kirby completed his costume with a set of glasses. 

“What about me?” Wario asked, oblivious to the fact that he was purposely ignored. 

“Who invited him?” Claude whispered. There were a couple of inquisitive glances, and Fox shrugged. 

“I’m Thief Wario!” he finally announced, wearing a simple purple mask over his face with a feather adorned to the forehead. 

Samus had a quick, cynical laugh. “The point is to dress up as something you’re _not_.” 

“Wah!” he cried, taken aback. No one really believed that he was offended. 

“Yoshi, where’s your costume?” 

Zelda narrowed her eyes a bit. “He’s not wearing one. He’s afraid no one will recognize him.” There was a disapproving tone to the princess’s voice. 

Claude shared her sentiments. “Why am I not surprised?” 

Yoshi felt all eyes burning into him. “Hey, rooboy’s not wearing a costume either!” 

And it was true. Clyde, the kangaroo from Corneria, was wearing normal clothing: a red shirt and black cargo pants. 

“That’s because I told him about this at the last minute so I didn’t expect him to get one so soon. He really wanted to come so, I couldn’t say no. Besides, look at him! Who’s not gonna think that’s a costume?” 

Yoshi looked for any way out and noticed that Samus was in her usual power suit. He pointed accusingly at her, “Well Samus isn’t wearing one!” 

“On the contrary,” Samus spoke up, deactivating her power suit. There were several gasps and recoils of shock as her costume became apparent when the light faded. 

A single tear of pure joy trickled down Captain Falcon’s face. The image reflected in his visor was that of a female Captain Falcon. “It’s...beautiful. No wonder you were keeping it a secret!” 

Yoshi was disgusted. “Did we really need two Falcons?” 

“For once I agree,” Fox muttered. But Iris didn’t feel the same way. 

“Aw, I think it’s cute.” 

“I was aiming more for sexy,” Samus admitted, stretching in her new costume. Yoshi gagged. 

“Okay guys, stop gawking!” Captain Falcon complained, tempted to cover Samus up. “Are we going or what? Niko’s drooling!” 

“I’m not drooling...” Niko murmured under the tin hyena head. 

“Well Falcon’s right,” Claude said. “If we wait too long, all the candy’s gonna be gone.” 

Zelda clapped her hands together. “Alright! Everybody knows the plan, right?” 

Claude nodded. “I use the Exit Command to get us to Earth...”

“And then I use Farore’s Wind to get us to your neighborhood. But I’m going to need your help with the navigation since you do know the place better than I do.” 

Claude took control and held his arms out. “Get in a circle and make contact. As long as you hold contact with me, you’ll get teleported out. But don’t let go before we get there, ‘cause nobody knows what’ll happen to you if you do.” 

“Good thing we’re holding hands or else I’d feel really fearful for my life after that warning,” Clyde added sarcastically. 

“Exit command.” 

A green pillar of light engulfed the group, and pulled them up and away to another reality.


	3. Trick or Shriek

Passing through the dimensions is like flying through a literal world of possibility. There are no walls or broken roads, just a small force guiding you in the right direction through infinite space. For many, this is a strange experience, as neither gravity nor anti-gravity exists, so it takes a minute or two for the body to recover once the journey is completed. 

But this was not their problem. 

The party materialized inside of the transporter tube, the sole device on the D-WAM for sending people back and forth from Earth to the Nintendoverse. The problem was that they all materialized at the same time, and were trapped in the small space. 

“What’s going on!?” Kirby cried out as he was sandwiched between two people. The room was dimly lit so he couldn’t even tell who anyone was. 

“We’re stuck in the transporter tube,” Claude said, struggling to get out. “It wasn’t built to hold this many people.” 

Kirby failed to free himself despite being the smallest. “I can barely move – and that’s a feat for me!” 

“Somebody’s touching me inappropriately!” Yoshi whined. 

“Yoshi, no one wants to touch you at all,” Samus told him in disgust. “Zelda, quick! Use Farore’s Wind.” 

“I’ll try!” the princess said, summoning the spell. They were whisked away in a tunnel of wind and appeared to be flying through the night sky. Below, the landscape was dotted with the lights of homes, and the streets bustled with the activity of kids and adults. 

“Claude, just think about where we need to go and the spell will take us there!” 

Claude only concentrated for a second before they started to descend. In a flash, the wind dumped them all in a heap on a cold, hard sidewalk. 

“Is everybody okay?” Iris asked. There was a response of pained groans. 

The moon was partially cloaked by clouds in the sky and an autumn chill hung in the air. They were in the right place – this was Claude’s neighborhood. It was a surreal feeling to bring them back with him, and he needed to introduce them to the area. 

“Welcome to the magical land of Baltimore, Maryland.” 

A group of kids were coming down the street and Claude had hoped they didn’t see them warp in. He didn’t have long to worry about it when the kids suddenly whipped out aerosol cans and covered the group in plastic string before running down the street in fits of laughter. 

“Aaarrr, what be this?!” Captain Falcon bellowed, rescuing the stuffed bird on his shoulder from under a pile of the string. 

“It’s Silly String,” Claude said. “Just wipe it off.” 

Zelda seemed more bothered by the incident than anyone else. “It seems that the denizens have already identified us as outcasts and want us to take no part in their holiday traditions.” 

“No,” Claude grumbled, pulling string from his hair, “they’re just some bad kids that need their asses kicked.” 

“I can agree to that,” Fox said with a dark grin, cracking his knuckles. 

“Don’t worry guys. I’ll take care of this,” Kirby assured them. He opened his mouth and pulled all the Silly String off with a light suction before spitting the ball in the direction the kids were running in. It exploded on contact, covering them in their own weapon...with an extra coat of saliva. 

“I didn’t know you had a mean streak,” Clyde said, mentally noting never to get on Kirby’s bad side. 

“I’m just getting into character. I’m brutal and ruthless, inside and outside of the courtroom!” 

Yoshi fidgeted. “Uh...so what do we do now?” 

“We go door to door and get candy,” Zelda replied, snapping her fingers and producing a set of bags which she handed out. 

“That’s it? We’re not hitting any attractions?” 

Claude looked at him in disbelief. “Didn’t we just do the haunted house thing two weeks ago? Did you forget how that went down already? Or are you lookin’ for another Madam Baker so you can whine about her too?” 

“No, no...nothing like that. Nevermind.” Yoshi was being remarkably non-confrontational, but they took it as a good sign. “Are we going to all the houses?” 

“No, that would take too long,” Claude said, beginning to break down the plan. “We want to hit a couple of neighborhoods before it gets too late and get some variety. The houses with the best decorations usually have the best candy. **Usually.** ” 

He pointed three houses down to an example. In the front yard, fake cobwebs were strewn about the lone tree and a skeleton that glowed in the dark swung back and forth, its arms tied up to the branches. Jack-o-lanterns with flickering candles lined the sidewalk up to the home. 

As they reached the house, a group of kids were leaving. Iris unleashed an ear-piercing shriek that startled everyone. 

“ _Ooooooh_ , look at all the human children dressed as tiny abominations!” she squealed. “I can’t wait until James is old enough to do this!” She whipped out a digital camera and snapped a flurry of photos. 

“You’re scaring them,” Fox said, dragging Iris away. 

At the door was an elderly woman in a stereotypical witch costume: a black hat and cape, though the long, crooked nose was convincing enough that no one was quite sure if it was part of the costume. 

Her old eyes rested on the odd combination before her. “You’re an imaginative group.” 

Yoshi opened his bag wide and proclaimed, “Gimme all your candy lady!” 

“How adorable,” she said, pinching Yoshi’s nose. She dropped handfuls of candy into each bag under Yoshi’s indignant glare. 

“Lady, are you blind? That’s not **all** the candy!” 

Samus grabbed Yoshi by the neck and pulled him away. 

“What’s wrong with you? You’re supposed to say ‘Trick or Treat’ and when they give you candy you thank them.” 

“But I could eat all of this candy in one gulp!” Yoshi complained, showing Samus the contents of the bag. 

“That’s why we’re going to more than one house.” 

“But if we get all the candy here, we won’t have to go to other houses.” 

“Then there wouldn’t be anything left for the other people that come to this house.” 

“They should get here before us, then!” 

Samus sighed and gave up. “An attitude like that is going to blow up in your face one day.” 

“Make sure to check for razorblades and rat poison,” Claude said as they left the house. 

“Seriously?” Captain Falcon asked, the lollipop nearly falling out of his mouth. 

“Nah, that’s just stuff people say to scare kids.” 

Clyde shifted through his bag of candy with enthusiasm, “Is there alcohol in any of this candy?” 

Kirby was almost appalled. “Clyde, they give this stuff to kids! Why would there be any alcohol in it?” 

“I’m just checking...” the kangaroo replied with a sheepish grin. 

Kirby adjusted his glasses. “If anyone pulled a stunt like that, they’d have to deal with Kirby, Attorney at Law!” 

“You’re a lawyer, not a superhero.” 

“Looks like Wario needs one, or both.” 

Wario was surrounded by angry kids. True to his costume, he had snatched candy from their bags, but he wasn’t quite as cunning and stealthy as he believed himself to be. And now he was about to learn the hard way that you don’t steal candy from kids on the one holiday when they can eat treats to their heart’s content. 

“Shouldn’t we do something?” Iris asked worriedly. 

One of the kids pushed Wario to the ground. His rotund body rolled down the sidewalk like a barrel and they gave chase. 

“Yeah, we should,” Claude said with a sigh. “Hey, kids. Beat his ass! BEAT. HIS. ASS!” 

Wario held his stomach in pain as the kids kicked and stomped him. What resulted was a flatulent explosion that shook the earth and propelled the vengeful children across the street into an adjacent yard. Wario quickly gathered the fallen candy bags with a quiet snicker and added to his collection. 

Everyone looked on in disgust. 

The replica falcon helmet Samus was wearing did little to obscure the expression on her face. “Why is he here again...?” 

“Let’s just go to the next house.” 

After visiting a few more houses, the group was ready to leave the neighborhood and move on to the next, as was everyone else. Thanks to Wario, a cloud of funk had started to settle and did its best to clear out the streets. Even cars started to make detours to avoid exposure. 

Captain Falcon searched the contents of his candy bag five times over, the frown on his face growing deeper each time. Finally, he released a despondent “Arrrrgh...” 

Kirby peaked into Falcon’s bag, baffled. “What’s wrong? We’re getting more candy.” 

“But I don’t have any candy corn.” 

“You can have mine,” Claude said with a mischievous grin, “but you gotta say the magic word.” 

“Please?” 

“That’s not the magic word.” 

Captain Falcon turned his lips up in frustration. “I don’t want to say that word!” 

“Okay,” Claude responded with a nonchalant shrug. He ate some of the candy corn and chewed in slow motion, watching Captain Falcon’s will break down in tandem. 

“Alright already! I’ll say it! **Shadoink!** ” 

There was a deafening silence and strange tension in the air as Claude dumped his candy corn into Captain Falcon’s bag. But when Falcon began to chew away at the candy, all was normal again. 

They finally reached the end of the street connecting to the main road, leaving them with the choice of two directions. 

“Which way?” Zelda asked. “Left or right?” 

Claude weighed their options but his face lit up when he remembered something. “Let’s go left. There’s this old couple with this big house, they get their family to fix it up every Halloween. You should see it. They have a ton of candy too.” 

Before anyone could make a move, Captain Falcon jumped in front of them. 

“Arrrrgh! Give me all ye booty!” he demanded. His face was locked into a pirate scowl. 

Claude raised a brow and responded, “I gave you all my candy corn. And don’t say stuff like that.” 

“MORE! I won’t rest ‘til I pillage and plunderrrr all this town has to offer!” In his craze, Captain Falcon snatched Claude’s sword and swung it wildly. He hit Niko right in the head, breaking the sword in half. 

“Do you want to burn to the ground?” 

“Aaaarrrr, there’s more where that came from, dog!” Falcon spat. 

Claude picked up the pieces of the sword. “Why did you do that?” 

“Don’t worry, I’ll mend it,” Zelda said, pointing her palms at the remains. 

A magic spark engulfed the broken sword and the two pieces split into four. 

“Zelda!” 

“Oops. Maybe I overcharged it...” 

Fox tapped his foot in impatience. “It’s a cheap plastic sword. Who cares? Let’s go.” 

“I can’t be Blade _without a blade!_ ” Claude complained. 

“Well, um...just call yourself Knife and carry this around, eh?” Clyde suggested, holding the broken sword by the handle. 

“Look, there’s a store nearby...I don’t want to go all the way home so I’m gonna go there real quick and get some glue or another sword or somethin’...you guys go get some more candy.” 

Clyde’s ears perked up. “Oh, I wanna go too!” 

“Me too!” Kirby exclaimed. 

Claude was genuinely surprised. “Why? It’s just a quick run.” 

“I want to see as much of your world as possible tonight.” Clyde looked like he was ready to beg. 

“But it’s just a store.” 

“I want a souvenir!” Kirby chimed in. 

Claude shrugged. “Okay, whatever. Let’s go.” 

Kirby and Clyde ran down the sidewalk, leaving Claude to follow in their wake. 

“Where are you going? You don’t even know where it’s at!” 

Once they were gone, Samus began chastising Captain Falcon, “What got into you? I know you couldn’t have eaten too much candy already.” 

He ignored her and ran into the middle of the street. 

“Look, I know you like cars, but that’s not the ideal way to meet them.” 

The street started to ripple like disturbed water beneath Captain Falcon’s feet and a tall object slowly rose before him. It was wooden with cloth and netting hanging from its side like the mast of a ship – a suspicion that was confirmed when the rest of the ship rose from beneath the murky street. Captain Falcon let out a hearty laugh from atop his new vessel. 

“H-how did he do that?!” Iris questioned in shock. “Things like this don’t normally happen on Earth, right?” 

“Captain Falcon, get down from there!” Yoshi demanded, pointing a threatening finger at him. “You’re making a scene, and nobody makes a bigger scene than me!” 

“That’s **Captain** Captain Falcon to you landlubbers! Man the cannons!” ‘Captain’ Captain Falcon looked around in bemusement when his orders went unanswered. “Where’s me crew!?” 

“There is no crew, cap’n!” the bird on his shoulder squawked. 

Niko lifted the tin hyena head and said, “I can barely see in this costume, but I’m pretty sure that bird wasn’t real before now.” 

Zelda nodded in agreement. “Yes, something about this reeks of wayward magic.” 

Captain Captain Falcon finally wheeled a cannon to the end of the ship and aimed it at his former friends. 

“Avast, landlubbers! It’s time to meet Davy Jones!” he declared, lighting the fuse.


	4. Sailing the Seven Streets

To Claude’s relief, the shopping center wasn’t very active. Kirby and Clyde were so elated about the detour that they were practically skipping their way through the parking lot to the store. 

“We’re not off to see the wizard,” he told them. He didn’t want to get their hopes up – they were supposed to be here for the trick or treating, after all. 

The inside of the dollar store was well lit, which made Claude realize that this would be the first time the costume theory would be put to the test under direct light. Even worse, he recognized the cashier through the window from school. 

But maybe he had nothing to worry about. No one would truly believe that this marshmallowy pink thing in a suit and tie was the actual Kirby, and that Clyde was an anthropomorphic kangaroo from another star system. 

...Right? 

“Ooooo!” Kirby squealed as they stepped through the doors. The first few rows were lined with nothing but candy on the verge of discount. 

The puffball dove into the candy and swam around in it. He released a happy sigh and reminisced, “It feels just like home!” 

Claude and Clyde traded glances. Sweet, saccharine and colorful, just like Dream Land. It made sense, but Claude didn’t want them attracting more attention than necessary. 

“Don’t swim in the candy.” 

“Can we buy some? I mean, there’s so much here, and it’s only a dollar a bag...” 

“No! That’ll kill the spirit of Halloween.” 

“Okay...” Kirby said dejectedly, his spirits slightly deflated. 

Claude sighed. “How about this: if we don’t get enough candy tonight, I’ll buy some and bring it to you tomorrow.” 

“Okay!” 

“I thought you wanted a souvenir?” 

“I’m on it!” 

Kirby ran down one of the isles of the store, though it was pretty obvious that he didn’t know where he was going. 

“And what about you?” 

Clyde wore a smug look. “All those times you told me that I couldn’t go to Earth because I’d stick out like a sore thumb? Well tonight it’s okay to be me, so I’m gonna strut through this store like I own it! And maybe check out some of the products.” 

“If you say so,” Claude replied, grabbing a basket. 

 

* * *

 

 

“Set sail for our next destination!” Captain Captain Falcon barked, grabbing the wheel of the ship. 

His ship began to move along the street faster than anyone anticipated considering the low breeze. But a ship sailing through the street didn’t make much sense anyway. 

“If we lose him we can’t change him back to normal!” Zelda cried. Yoshi came up with an idea. 

“Let’s put hyenaface in front of the ship! He wouldn’t sail over him, would he?” He went behind Niko and tried pushing him towards the street, but he didn’t budge. 

“Get off me maggot! I’m not stupid.” 

“Why don’t YOU get in front of the ship?” Fox said. 

Yoshi gasped in horror. “Are you crazy!? I’m too cool to die!” 

Running out of options, everyone turned their attention to Wario, who had discovered that the cannonball fired at them earlier was made of chocolate. He had only taken a single bite before he was whisked away and tossed into the street. 

“ _Waaaaah!_ ” 

Whether Captain Falcon had seen him or not, Wario’s cries were for naught. The ship ran over him without hesitation. 

Once the ship had passed, Wario emerged from the street relatively unharmed. His actual condition was of little note to anyone. 

“He didn’t even care when he ran over Wario,” Samus surmised. “We may have to take drastic actions; he could be dangerous to the city.” 

But Captain Falcon had already escaped to another neighborhood. 

“Land ho!” he shouted, tossing an anchor overboard. The pirate ship in the middle of the road easily garnered the attention of all the trick or treaters. It was the first step of his plan. 

“Aaaarrrrgh, listen up kids! I need me crew and you need a captain. Well I’m a captain! How d’you feel about becomin’ me crew?” 

The blank stares he received weren’t the response he expected. 

“Tough bunch, eh? What if I promise all the candy you can stuff yer face with, stayin’ up till the crack o’ dawn, and no more homework, EVER!” 

Thunderous cheers erupted as the children promptly abandoned their trick or treat routes and headed for the ship. Falcon threw netting over the sides so they could climb aboard. 

“Welcome aboard the Black Falcon - no parents allowed! I’m yer Captain, Captain Captain Falcon, and I hope yeh knaves brought yer appetites because we’re sailin’ the seven streets until we take all the candy this city has, whether they like it or not!”

 

* * *

 

“Do I glue it back together or do I tape it and go with Cloud’s bandaged sword look?” Claude pondered, juggling a roll of tape and a bottle of superglue in each hand. 

He came to a decision and tossed the tape back onto the shelf. 

“Blade would never tape his sword.” He wouldn’t glue it either, but that was a detail he happily ignored. 

Clyde peeked around the corner with a look of distress. Claude immediately thought of the worst case scenario: he was exposed and it was time for them to escape from the store. But he was left confused when Clyde approached him with a snack box. 

“Look at this!” He shoved the box of cookies in Claude’s face. 

“Uhh...it’s a kangaroo dunking some cookies into cream.” 

“He’s not wearing any pants! And _he has a pouch!_ ” 

“He’s a cartoony kangaroo, they all have pouches.” 

“It’s grossly inaccurate and offensive, cartoony or not.” 

“Write a mean letter to Betty Crocker and tell her about herself,” Claude said, grabbing the box from Clyde and dumping it into his basket. 

Clyde looked at the box in disgust. “What are you doing?” 

“I love these things. It’s not candy but I’ll take it.” 

“Hrmph!” 

Kirby came around the corner, humming contently with an assortment of items between his flap-like arms. He dumped them into the basket with more enthusiasm than required. 

Claude dug through the items in horror. “I didn’t bring that much money.” 

Among Kirby’s stash was a plush raven, a small drinking glass, a box of colored pencils, doggy treats and a light bulb. 

“Don’t worry, I’m still deciding!” Kirby told him reassuringly. “I’m thinking of the raven because it’s soft, small, and cute – like me! Or maybe I’ll get the glass so that when I’m feeling posh and I have guests over, I’ll pull it out and say ‘this is what the humans drink out of on Earth!’” 

“As long as you leave out the part about it coming from a dollar store. And what’s with the colored pencils? And the lightbulb?” 

“...I forgot.” 

“Let’s get outta here before you find more stuff.” 

Claude hoisted the basket off the floor and left the aisle, heading for the checkout counter. The clerk’s dark hair was cut short and she wore the plain green shirt all employees were required to wear. She gave a playful grin as Claude dumped the basket on the counter. 

“Yo Claude, I thought I saw you sneak in here. Thought you would be out getting candy.” 

“My sword broke and I need to glue it back together.” 

“If you got a real sword this would never have happened.” 

“Tina, what kind of freak would I be walkin’ around with a real sword?” 

“The sword is the least of any freak-like nature around you...” Tina’s eyes were fixated on Kirby and Clyde when they caught up to Claude. 

“Oh, yeah...Tina, this is...” Claude stopped for a moment. There was no point in coming up with fake names – they were ‘in costume,’ which meant that they were ‘in character’ for the night, and that’s all she needed to know. 

“You should recognize Kirby.” 

The puffball reached up to the counter to shake Tina’s hand. When she retracted it, slightly in awe at the softness, she found a business card in her palm. 

“Attorney at Law!” Kirby excitedly informed them all. 

“That’s...original,” Tina admitted, slipping the fake business card into her pocket. 

“And the kangaroo is Clyde.” 

“Hiya!” Clyde said with a wave. 

Tina was trying to read the kangaroo, though Claude wasn’t sure if it was because she suspected his true identity or if she was trying to figure out what character he was supposed to be. Eventually she brought her attention to the random assortment of items in the basket, and before Claude could explain, Kirby alleviated him of any responsibility.  

“I want a souvenir to remember this day but I can’t make up my mind,” he said, peering over the counter.

“It’s Halloween so you want something appropriate.” Tina dug into one of the piles of candy on the counter and retrieved a PEZ dispenser with the likeness of Kirby. 

The puffball happily accepted it, his eyes tearing up from joy as his vision took in the miniature version of himself in his hands. He pushed the head back, revealing a block of candy. 

“It’s me! And it’s got sweet candy inside! This is the most accurate interpretation of me I’ve ever seen!” 

Tina quickly took the opportunity to pinch one of Kirby’s cheeks and looked on in amazement. 

“What is your costume made out of?” 

“Marshmallows!” 

She turned to Claude with an amused grin and said, “You should start shopping wherever these guys do, because their costumes look way better than yours.” 

“Okay, sure,” Claude murmured, moving the items Kirby had collected far away from what he was actually buying. 

“I’m serious. This is like Hollywood budget stuff.” 

Claude played along, tugging on one of Clyde’s ears. “I know, right? It’s almost like they’re real, but sayin’ stuff like that would get you institutionalized.” He was whipped across the back by Clyde’s tail in return. 

Tina sighed with a stumped expression aimed squarely at Clyde. “Who **exactly** are you supposed to be anyway?” 

“I’m just an ordinary Cornerian with a crappy job.” 

“Uh huh,” she replied, ringing up the glue, PEZ and cookies. “Where’s your accent?” 

“What accent?” 

“Your Australian accent! You can’t be a kangaroo without an Australian accent. It’s just not realistic.” 

“Neither is a talking kangaroo,” Claude pointed out. 

“Well if he’s gonna be a kangaroo for Halloween, he needs to sell the whole package. Maybe even get some crocodile hunting gear.” 

Clyde looked to Claude in absolute bewilderment. “Why would I hunt crocodiles?” 

Tina laughed. “I’m gonna pretend you didn’t say that. What you should say is stuff like ‘crikey’ and ‘g’day mate!’” 

“Good day...mate!” he repeated, looking for her approval. 

“Oh my god, you’re like the worst kangaroo ever. Just stop. You should have been a penguin or something since they keep putting those movies out.” 

Claude paid for the items and grabbed the bag. Clyde had been stunned into silence and barely moved, prompting Kirby and Claude to push him towards the exit. 

“He’s gonna work on it,” Claude said. “See ya tomorrow.” 

The chill of the night air snapped Clyde out of his stupor and he began to rant as they walked through the parking lot. 

“She called me the worst kangaroo ever! What does she know?!” 

“It wasn’t literal,” Claude said, trying to console him.                                               

“It sounded literal to me!” Kirby chimed in. Claude threw him a dirty look. 

“You don’t have to do or say any of the things she said. But one day I’m gonna teach you about Australia.” 

“I would have told her more about Lylatian kangaroos but I didn’t want to blow my cover,” Clyde stated matter-of-factly. 

“Ha, please. Even if she figured out you guys are the real thing, the second she started tellin’ people about you, they would throw her ass into Sheppard Pratt. We just need to make sure no one can _prove_ what you really are.” 

As Kirby admired his new souvenir, he looked to Claude’s bag and stopped in realization. 

“We couldn’t get candy from the store but you could buy cookies?” 

“We’re about to get candy from other neighborhoods, and nobody gives out cookies,” Claude said, surprised that he even needed to explain it. “And I want to show the box to everybody since it gets Clyde so mad.” 

Clyde folded his arms. “Why would you do that?” 

“Does it really bother you that much?” Claude asked in amusement. Clyde didn’t respond, but it was obvious that he was struggling not to lose his cool. 

The possibility that it was truly offensive to Clyde wasn’t lost on Claude, so he decided not to push it – in his own way. 

“Alright, I won’t show it to them. But you gotta say the magic word first.” 

“Crikey.” 

“You know what it is.” 

“Shadoink,” Clyde said with a sigh. 

Satisfied, Claude shoved the box of cookies to the very bottom of his candy bag. 

As they reached the end of the parking lot, a sight none of them expected came into view: a pirate ship. 

The ship sailed right by them, parting the concrete of the street like dark water. 

“YOHOHOOOOOO!!!” Captain Captain Falcon yelled at them whimsically, and his crew echoed his sentiments. 

A car driving down the opposite end of the road swerved into a ditch to avoid the oncoming ship, and its owner jumped out and watched in awe as the ship rounded the corner down another street, disappearing behind the stores in the shopping center. 

“Is that normal here?” Clyde asked, breaking the silence. 

“No...” Claude murmured. 

“Well that’s good,” he said, taking it in stride. “Ships in the streets would make traffic a nightmare.” 

“It’s not even supposed to be physically possible! What the hell happened?” 

Kirby eyed his bag of candy suspiciously. “Maybe there **is** alcohol in this candy...”


	5. Zelda, Princess of Dark Things

“Guys! Guys!” Iris called out, leading the pack to Kirby, Claude and Clyde. “A ship ROSE out of the middle of the road and sailed down the street! With Captain Falcon on it!” 

“We saw it,” Kirby said before cutting a worried look to Claude, who was not as thrilled as Iris about the situation. 

“The only reason I brought you guys here was because I thought we could keep a low profile. So how the hell did Falcon get a magic pirate ship and why is he sailing around town in it? He’s even got kids on there with him!” 

“Hey, we’re just as surprised as you are,” Fox said. “It’s not like we told him to do it.” 

“Things got very strange right after you left,” Samus began to recall. “Falcon acted more bizarre than usual and summoned a ship from under the street. And he keeps calling himself Captain Captain Falcon.” 

Kirby giggled at the thought. “Well it’s good to know that assuming the identity of a pirate captain didn’t make him any less of a doofus.” 

Claude examined the street during the conversation, sliding his finger across the cement. 

“The ground is wet. It’s like the street turned into water when the ship went by,” he figured. “Okay, this is really weird. Stuff like that doesn’t happen here. Tell me _exactly_ what happened so we can figure this out.” 

“We told you everything,” Zelda said. “I don’t think we’re leaving anything out.” 

Everyone went into deep thought as they tried to figure out what changed Captain Falcon. Yoshi anxiously wrung his hands, which went unnoticed. 

“You mates look like you could use a hand!” Clyde blurted suddenly. His new accent drew a few looks. 

Claude patted his shoulder, “I told you that you didn’t have to talk like that.” 

“Huh...” the kangaroo scratched the back of his head in confusion. 

“Well at least your accent got better.” 

“Let’s go over the things Captain Falcon did before he snapped,” Fox proposed. “There’s got to be a clue.” 

“We went to a few homes...nothing out of the ordinary there,” Zelda recalled. “He begged for some candy corn and even said shadoink to do it, which is pretty desperate in and of itself.” 

“You don’t think it was the candy do you?” Yoshi suggested with a shrug. His voice cracked, showing little confidence in what he said. 

“Candy corn sucks,” Niko added. “I’d go crazy too if I had to eat that.” 

“We all had some candy and none of us think we’re pirates,” Kirby said. 

“But did you eat the candy corn?” 

“No...”

All eyes turned to Claude, and Kirby even did his best accusatory pointing. 

“You said people put stuff in the candy sometimes!” 

“That was a joke. Ain’t a thing on Earth that someone could put in candy corn that would make a ship pop out from under a street.” 

“Why are you people in my presence?” Zelda suddenly asked, an evident shift in her tone. “The inferiority is practically dripping off of your bodies and could be contagious.” 

The princess’s eyes were cold, and held a small level of contempt for the ones before her. 

There were a few confused glances before Iris asked, “Did we say something to offend you?” 

“If you’re going to stay here then you might as well bow to your new ruler.” She folded her arms in expectation and lifted her head so that she could look down upon them. 

“Zelda, stop kidding around,” Kirby said with a nervous laugh. “Things are weird enough already.” 

“Who are you to address me as such?” Zelda hissed in response, her eyes burning into the puffball. For the first time, he felt threatened by her presence. 

“Crikey, Lady!” Clyde exclaimed. “Ya head’s on backwards!” 

There was an insulted twitch in Zelda’s eye before a whirlwind erupted around her, sending everyone flying onto their backs where they got a clear view of the princess floating into the air. 

“Marvel at my powers, insects. You will see a lot more of it when I take over the city.” She threw her head back for a deep, haughty laugh. 

“ **Oooooooohohohohohohoho!!!** ” 

She flew over the stores and into the darkness of the night. 

“What the hell was that about?” Fox growled, wiping the dirt and grass from his costume. Claude thought that was an exercise in redundancy. 

A light bulb brightened for Samus, and she was completely on point as she deduced, “So Zelda’s evil and Falcon is a pirate....they must be turning into their costumes, and it’s not the candy that’s doing it.” 

Claude had a strange suspicion which was solidified when he noticed Clyde was suddenly wearing a fedora to go with his new personality. 

He didn’t even question it. 

“The only thing they all did was say sha-” 

“Don’t say it!” Yoshi screamed, waving his arms frantically. 

“Why?” 

“It’s cursed...maybe, but not definitely!” Yoshi’s fingers interlocked and he glanced about nervously. 

Claude was still finding a curse hard to believe. “....Why would you think it’s cursed? Yoshi, this is Earth. Boring, normal Earth. We don’t have supernatural things...besides ghosts. And maybe UFOs. And the Bunny Man. The Bunny Man is definitely real ‘cause me and my brother saw him a couple of years ago, but that’s not so much supernatural as it is psycho serial killer in a bunny costume. But curses definitely don’t exist here.” 

“It didn’t really come...from here...” 

Fox became frustrated. “What’s with this cryptic BS? Just tell us or I’ll make you tell us.” 

Yoshi squirmed under their glares and blurted out, “Madam Baker cursed the word!” 

Samus sighed. “I’m not a fan of Madam Baker either but we can’t blame everything on her.” 

“I saw her earlier today! She was in the castle town ripping people off. She didn’t like what I had to say, and I sorta used that word and...she threw a curse out there. I didn’t think it was real!” 

Samus cracked her knuckles and said, “I should Falcon Punch you right in the ass.” 

Yoshi backed away at the prospect that Samus had been learning Falcon-fu to go with her costume, but bumped right into Claude. 

"Let me get this straight. You got up in some old lady's face for no reason-" 

"I had a reason!" Yoshi defended himself. 

"NO REASON, and used a word I made up to insult her?" 

"She's a fraud! She had it coming! Besides, you said the word could mean anything, and that anyone could use it!" 

"Just because it can mean anything don't mean you can do anything with it. Great power, great responsibility." 

"That's bull. It's just a word." 

"Yeah, and it's cursed now. Thanks." 

A tense silence blanketed the group. Yoshi choked on his own guilt. Iris couldn’t stand watching a fun night turn into this. 

“A curse that turns you into your costume, huh? We need to find a way to break it, that’s all,” she said, mulling over an idea. 

“We lost our magic expert when Zelda crossed over to the dark side and went cackling into the night,” Kirby said, looking into the moonlit sky for any trace of the dark princess. 

“That was kind of a masculine laugh to be a cackle,” Claude thought aloud. 

“True. It should be easy to track her with a gorilla laugh like that. DK may have competition.” 

“Hey! Guys,” Samus intervened, “we can examine the intricacies of Zelda’s evil laughter later. How about focusing that wit on fixing this situation? 

“Hm,” Iris bobbed her head left and right as she thought. She continued for a minute until she realized that she had drawn everyone’s attention. 

“I...” she murmured, hesitating a bit. “I’ve got an idea, but it’s sorta risky. You’re not going to like it.”


	6. When You Wish Upon a Car

Fox didn’t like the sound of that. “What idea?” 

“Well, saying the word turns you into your costume, right?” Iris supposed. “If I become my costume, I’ll have all the magical powers of a fairy princess and then I can reverse the curse!” 

“No way. That’s too risky. What if you run off too?” 

“I knew you wouldn’t like it! Look, Captain Falcon turned into a pirate and Zelda is an evil version of herself so it makes sense that they ran off to create chaos. I’m a paragon of good magic; I won’t be anything like them!” 

Despite Iris’s calming smile, Fox wrestled with the idea and contorted his muzzle in frustration. 

“But if you turn into your costume, why is Clyde acting so weird?’ Kirby pondered. “I know he said sha- er, you-know-what, but he’s not wearing a costume!” 

The kangaroo looked offended. “Never felt better!” he announced reassuringly. No one paid him any mind. 

“...Tina!” Claude blurted in realization. 

“Turner?” they all asked in confusion. 

“No, at the store. Tina thought Clyde was a costume, then she started pushin’ all these Aussie stereotypes on him, so that’s what he turned into – the thing that she thought he was.” 

“So even the power of perception is strong enough to transform someone when dealing with this curse...” Samus said thoughtfully. “Iris’s idea might be crazy enough to work.” 

“Wait,” Claude said suddenly. “If we’re gonna do this, we better pick a better spot. We look suspicious here, and that’s not countin’ the pirate ship that sailed by and the evil princess that flew away.” 

He pointed back into the parking lot of the shopping center. Near a closed hair salon was a large lamp post that had blown out and went without service for weeks. The lighting was just dim enough to obscure them from onlookers. 

Once the group shuffled under the darkness of the parking lot, a realization hit Kirby. “Doesn’t all of us hiding in the dark make us seem a little bit more suspicious?” 

“Maybe, but at least nobody else can _see_ what we’re up to,” Claude offered. 

“Somebody’s missing,” Niko noticed. “Where did Wario go?” 

“Who cares? He’s the least of our problems right now,” Fox said, though he did appreciate that the air had become lighter and cleaner over time. He then turned to Iris, “Are you sure you still want to do this?” 

The vixen nodded slowly. Butterflies invaded her stomach, and despite the confidence in her earlier words, she did wonder if the curse worked as they supposed and everything would turn out as planned. After all, her grandfather taught her never to enter battle wielding weapons one did not fully comprehend. 

“Shadoink,” Iris murmured, awaiting her fate. 

The process was slow but undeniable. It began as the fake wings on her back started to flitter and flutter. Once, twice, and then they became a blur. Small woodland creatures scampered in from the darkness and surrounded her, awe and love welling in their beady eyes. Little birds landed in tandem on the poofy shoulders of her dress, chirping enthusiastically. 

The power of her wings lifted Iris a good foot off the ground. She closed her eyes and let out an airy sigh before humming a little ditty to herself. 

Everyone looked on in weird fascination except Fox, who was absolutely horrified by the transformation. 

“Iris? Are you okay?” he asked weakly. 

“Oh, Fox! Of course, honey. Do you have a wish for me?” 

Claude clasped his hands together eagerly, “I’ve got a wish! I wish you would make this curse go away!” 

“And a wish I will grant you!” the fairy princess proclaimed. Her wand danced through the air, leaving a trail of fairy dust behind the glowing star as she performed a ritual known only to the fairest of the fairy princesses. The star suddenly went dull, accompanied with a disheartening ‘ _plink!’_  

“Oh no!” she wailed despondently. She smacked the side of the wand like a TV remote on the fritz. “I’m sorry, but that’s not a wish I can grant after all.” 

Fox looked like he was about to pull the striped fur right from his head. “We let you turn into this and you can’t even stop the curse?!” He grabbed Claude by his black coat and shook him violently. “Look! Look what you’ve done!” 

“Yoshi did it!” Claude managed to gasp. 

“That’s right...” Fox glared daggers into the perpetrator; Yoshi squeaked and hid behind Niko’s bulky costume. 

“Fox, please. Let me explain why this isn’t working,” Iris said softly, fluttering over to Fox and lightly unfurling his grip on Claude. The woodland animals followed her every move. “It’s paradoxical.” 

“Oh, yeah. That makes sense,” Niko said. “Wait, what?” 

“The curse gave me my powers, so I can’t use said powers to eliminate it. But it was worth a shot.” The animals surrounding Iris looked dejected. The squirrels in particular let their tails droop and their eyes lowered to the asphalt. 

Samus listened curiously. Iris knew nothing of magic, yet she spoke of it matter-of-factly. It seemed that their theory was panning out, but she still wanted to put it to the test. “Exactly what kind of curse are we dealing with here?” 

“It’s a proximity curse,” Iris stated. “Anyone in its vicinity has the potential to fall under its influence if they say the magic word that activates it.” 

“Proximity? How far are we talking?” Fox asked in morbid curiosity. 

“At least a few miles,” the vixen mentioned casually. 

Fox’s jaw dropped. “You’ve got to be yanking my tail! How do we get rid of it?” 

Iris touched a finger to the bottom of her muzzle and looked to the sky in thought. “One way to stop it is to kill the host, but that’s silly!” She giggled, but Yoshi didn’t find it quite as funny. “But if it’s timed, it may run out on its own. And I don’t think we want to wait around for the weeks or months it’ll take for that to happen.” 

“If they say sha...you-know-what, would that get them to turn back?” Claude asked, substituting shadoink begrudgingly. 

Iris shook her head. “No, I don’t believe so.” 

“So I guess it’s back to plan A?” Claude proposed.” We grab Zelda and Captain Falcon, drag them back to Hyrule and get Madam Baker to cancel her curse.” 

“I’ve never met this woman but I’m really beginning to hate her face.” Other than that declaration, Fox had no objections. 

“I’m gonna go after Falcon, but I need somethin’ first...” Claude motioned for Iris. “Iris, I need one more wish: I wish I had Sophia the 3rd.” 

There was something lewd about the grin Clyde suddenly bore. “A girlfriend? No need to wish for that, I know a Sheila or two I could introduce ya to...” 

The kangaroo was silenced by the sudden appearance of a neon green wireframe, the outline of an otherworldly combat vehicle. Pieces began to materialize inside of it, building it right before their eyes. The tank stood at least four meters tall, and the smooth, titanium plating was colored a deep burgundy. A large white cannon was nestled into the right side of the cockpit and it sat on similarly colored wheels that resembled oversized screw heads. 

Clyde’s grin broadened in childish glee. “Look at ‘er! _Look at ‘er!_ ” He dashed over to the vehicle and rubbed the side affectionately. “She’s a right beaut!” If there had been more light in the parking lot, the flawless sheen of the paint job would have reflected it. 

“What are you going to do with **that** thing?” Samus asked, already knowing the answer. 

“Falcon’s got a magical pirate ship; I’m just evenin’ the odds,” Claude responded. 

“Weren’t you the one talking about being discreet?” Though Kirby was the one that asked, he actually admired the vehicle and wanted to see what it could do. 

“I think we’re past that with _a ship sailin’ down the street_. Besides, I don’t know how else to stop it.” Claude had no real plan, though he hoped to form one once he got behind the wheels of Sophia. 

Samus realized that Claude was heading towards Sophia and grabbed him by the arm. “Before we split up, we need to decide on what to call you-know-what, so that nobody slips up and says the actual word when talking about it.” Claude frowned at the thought. 

“How about bafomdad?” Fox quickly suggested. 

“No, that’s dumb,” Claude denied him flatly. 

“It’s not any dumber than the original word!” 

“You act like I said Sussudio. Besides, a hobo’s not really qualified to decide that.” 

Claude ran towards his new car, having jumped out of the way just in time to avoid a strangling by Fox. The reinforced glass canopy that covered the driver’s seat of Sophia quickly lifted at a ninety degree angle in anticipation. 

“You’re not going by yourself, are you?” he heard Samus say as he climbed the side of the vehicle. “We need to decide on the two teams.” 

Claude looked back and thought for a moment. “Why don’t we just keep the teams we had before? Kirby and Clyde can come with me.” 

“Well, with Zelda and Wario gone, I think Yoshi should go with you to make the teams even in number.” 

Claude didn’t protest, but it was obvious from the look on his face that he wasn’t happy about that addition. While the rest of his team climbed in, he studied the dials and levers. Sophia was never built to hold four people, but it helped that Kirby was small and light. 

Sophia’s engines revved up and Claude tested the controls by driving in circles around the parking lot. He had to slap away a couple of itchy fingers twiddling near the console. “Don’t touch any buttons that look like weapons!” 

“What about the ones that don’t look like weapons?” Kirby asked innocently. 

“Don’t touch those either.” 

After breaking in Sophia a little more, including the tank’s jumping ability, he felt confident in chasing Captain Falcon down. 

“I got this. Let’s catch a pirate.” 

“I didn’t know you knew how to drive,” Kirby said, letting the gravity of the current situation sink in. “When did you get your license?” 

“License...?” 

Claude ignored the shopping center’s entryway and drove up the hill and onto the street. 

“Real subtle!” Fox complained.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sophia the 3rd originates from the NES game Blaster Master by Sunsoft.


	7. "I Love You, Fox McCloud"

“It’s not fair that Claude gets Sophia and we don’t get anything,” Niko complained. He, Fox, Iris and Samus had yet to leave the parking lot of the shopping center since no one had even begun to figure out how to track Zelda down. 

“What were you thinking of?” Samus asked, not really expecting it to go anywhere. 

“I don’t know. Maybe an arwing?” 

“That’s not going to hold all of us.” 

“Landmaster?” 

“Do you want to be as flashy as Claude?” Fox suddenly intervened. “Besides, that’s overkill.” 

“Why are you guys even thinking about vehicles?” Iris said with an exaggerated pouty face. “You don’t need them when you’ve got me!” 

Fox knew what she was getting at. “I don’t like this. I don’t like this at all.” 

“Don’t be silly! Just one wish and we could be flying to our destination.” 

“Well this is why she willingly transformed,” Samus said. “We’re going to need all the help we can get to rein in an evil Zelda.” 

Fox swallowed his pride and gave in. He knew the kind of destruction Dark Zelda could leave in her wake, and the fact that it had been so quiet since her ‘rampage’ had begun disturbed him. There was no time to waste. 

“I wish that we could fly straight to wherever Zelda is now.” 

“Your wish is granted!” Iris announced, her wand dancing through the air. The fairy dust from the wand’s star surrounded them and worked its magic. With little warning, they were hoisted into the air, woodland creatures and all, and flying high above the homes below. 

“Won’t people see us?” Niko asked, trying to suppress the fear of hurtling through the skies on the whims of a magic wand. 

“The fairy dust creates a veil of fog around us. We can see them, but they can’t see us!” Iris looked to her woodland friends and said, “I think I feel a song coming on!” 

Fox looked around in horror as the crescendo of a musical swelled up from out of nowhere. Iris was elated and began to sing along to the music. 

“ _Soaring through the chilly skies at night,_

_I see jovial children under the street lights!_

_Hold on tight, please don’t hurl!_

_I want to see the woooooooooorld!_ ”

“NO!” Fox screamed over the music. “We are not doing this! I can accept the fairy wings, the magical powers, and the little animals following you everywhere. But I won’t have you or anyone else bursting into song!” 

The music cut out and the rest of the flight was spent in silence. 

A few minutes later, the flight ended when they lowered into a rather plain yard in a neighborhood without much activity. 

“Something’s wrong,” Iris noted in a worried voice. 

“You’re telling me!” Niko said. “Why would Zelda be in somebody’s yard?” Collective eyerolling ensued. 

Samus examined a freshly broken tree branch lying within the grass. There was string tied along it at several intervals. 

“Dark magic was performed here,” Iris murmured. “I can feel it.” 

Fox knelt down and picked up a plastic jawbone. “I wish I knew what Zelda was up to.” 

Iris waved her wand. 

“Wait, that wasn’t a real...!” Fox froze up for a second and then scratched his head. “Oh...oh yeah. How did I forget?” 

“Are you all right?” Samus asked. 

“Yeah, it’s like I always knew but just forgot,” Fox replied, finding that as the only way he could explain the phenomenon. “Anyways, there were some fake skeletons hanging from the tree. She brought them to life to make them her bodyguards.” 

“That doesn’t seem all that bad.” 

“No, the bad part is that she remembers that saying bafomdad made her transform and now she wants to do it to everyone else.” 

“Now that’s the apocalyptic scenario I was expecting,” Samus said with a casual nod. “I don’t know how bringing forth that chaos is supposed to help her cause. Of course, it’s possible that she’s crazy enough to believe that she could control it.” 

“We don’t really know the extent of her powers with her inhibitions removed,” Iris warned. “Don’t underestimate her.” 

“Shouldn’t we tell the others about this?” Niko chimed in. 

“You’ve got a point but...” Fox checked his shabby clothes. “I must have left my communicator on the Great Fox. Actually, I don’t even know if that tank has a communication device to contact in the first place.” 

Iris cleared her throat and raised her brows. 

“Alright, alright,” Fox said begrudgingly. “I wish I could contact them.” 

With the single wave of a wand, Fox’s helmet appeared on his head. 

“Okay, maybe this wishing power isn’t so-” 

“ _Fox McCloud of the McCloud clan,_

_We once lived lands apart,_

_I revealed my soul to this man,_

_And with it came my heart!_ ”

Fox could only scowl. 

“I think she has a nice singing voice,” Niko admitted. 

“That’s not the point and you know it,” Fox said, activating the comlink on his helmet. 

 

* * *

 

Clyde’s fingers danced excitedly in the air. “When do I get to drive?” 

“When Donald Trump stops being insufferable,” Claude replied flippantly. 

“Oh, come off it mate!” Clyde complained, pushing him. 

“You come off it first,” Claude said, pushing back hard enough to knock Clyde’s hat off. 

“Guys, we’re driving recklessly!” Kirby whined as Sophia snaked down the street. 

Claude wrangled the vehicle under his control once again. “Look, just let me handle this and...maybe later we can put some shrimp on the barbie.” 

Clyde seemed a little offended. “Nobody says that...” 

When Claude looked again, Clyde’s old hat had been replaced by a black slouch hat. “Where do you get all of these stupid hats?” 

“You like it? The yank wants one too?” 

“Hey guys!” Kirby piped up. “Has that glowing red button always been there?” 

“No...” Claude murmured, watching the button glow next to a brand new speaker. He checked all of Sophia’s components when the tank was first summoned and knew for a fact that this was a new addition. 

Yoshi quickly pressed the button and retracted his hand in slight horror at his utter lack of self-control. “What? It was glowing; it needed to be pushed!” he hastily rationalized. 

“Hello...?” Fox’s voice came through clearly. 

“Fox?” Claude asked. 

“How are things going on your end?” 

“I just got called a yank by a space kangaroo that thinks he’s from Australia and the king of hat fashion. How do you think it’s goin’?” 

“Well we’ve got bigger problems. Zelda figured out how she...transformed, and now she wants to do it to everyone else.” 

Claude looked to the others in disbelief. “That’s insane. Why would she do that?” 

“Maybe she’s forging her own personal army out of Halloween costumes?” Fox supposed, sticking to Samus’s idea. 

“That’s still insane...” 

“Insane or not, she’s going to try. Any luck with Captain Falcon?” 

“We didn’t find him yet, but-” 

Iris’s voice suddenly cut in through the speaker. 

“ _Fox McCloud makes me feel oh so pretty,_

_Fox McCloud makes me want to sing a ditty,_

_I’ll say it here, now, loud and proud,_

_I love you, Fox McCloud!_ ” 

The resulting silence was only broken by the methodical hum of Sophia’s engine. 

“...what was that?” Claude finally asked. 

“I didn’t hear anything,” Fox said coolly. 

“Really? I heard your name drop like three times.” 

“I DIDN’T HEAR ANYTHING AND YOU DIDN’T EITHER.” 

The transmission suddenly cut out. 

“A strange one, that bloke is,” Clyde surmised. 

“Zelda’s plan isn’t such a bad thing, is it?” wondered Kirby. “Once we get Madam Baker to dispel the curse, everyone will go back to normal anyway. I mean, it might even help us in the long run. More people transformed means less people to sneak around, because they won’t even be themselves!” 

“With Captain Falcon and Zelda, we just didn’t want to get exposed,” Claude explained. “You don’t get just how many people dress up as monsters and murderers every year.” 

Claude brought Sophia to a halt and looked for an example. Rounding the corner of the sidewalk were a few kids trading candy, though their attention was now on the tank. Hopefully they thought it was just a monster truck. 

“Do you see little Michael Myers over there?” Claude asked, pointing at one of the kids. 

“The kid in the white mask with the fake knife?” 

“Yeah. If he says the word, he’s going to turn into a **real** little Michael Myers and he’s going to stab all of those kids in the face with his **real** butcher knife. And he won’t stop his rampage until he finds Jamie Lee Curtis and throws her ass off a building.” 

“Oh!” Kirby gasped. “Oh, that’s pretty bad!” 

“He might turn back to normal when the curse is turned off, but how much do you wanna bet that all the people he killed won’t come back to life?” 

“Maybe we should postpone the search for Falcon,” the puffball suggested, “and help with Zelda before anything like that can happen.” 

“But that goes back to what I said about not gettin’ exposed. If the wrong person gets tipped off, they can put it all together. When they realize what’s happenin’ and who you guys are, they’re gonna send everybody after us! The police, the marines, the FBI, the CIA, MIB, SVU, NCIS, CSI: Miami...” 

Clyde scratched his head under his hat. “Miami?” 

“ _Everybody_ ,” Claude stressed. _“_ And maybe CSI: New York too, but nobody really cares about that one. So let’s just trust Zelda to Fox, Lady Falcon, the Disney princess and Flame Hyeniko.” 

Police sirens wailed in the distance. Yoshi let out a timid squeak. 

“Guess they found us mates!” Clyde announced with inappropriate excitement. 

“Not yet,” Claude said, watching a 360 degree view on a mini-monitor. “They’re not behind us.” 

Captain Captain Falcon’s pirate ship glided across the intersection, parting the concrete of the streets like dark water. 

“Yohohoho and a bottle of rum!” Falcon shouted jubilantly into a blowhorn. The parrot on his shoulder repeated the phrase. 

Clyde perked up, “Did he say rum?” 

Two police cars raced after the ship with their blaring sirens and red and blue lights. 

“This is turning into a disaster!” Yoshi moaned. 

“I...think I’ve got a plan,” Claude murmured. Sophia accelerated around the street corner and followed the commotion.


	8. The Fox, the Princess and the Wardrobe

“What is this cunning plan of yours?” Yoshi uttered sardonically. 

Claude ignored his tone and focused on keeping up with the cops as they pursued Captain Falcon’s pirate ship. 

“Catch me if you can, landlubbers!” Falcon screamed enthusiastically as his ship continued to ignore the laws of physics. 

Claude picked up the speed, driving Sophia’s sturdy titanium body dangerously close to the police vehicles. “I think they finally noticed us.” 

“Don’t flatten the blokes!” Clyde whined. 

“I know what I’m doing,” Claude replied. 

The two squad cars were forced to move closer to the pirate ship to escape being crushed under Sophia’s large wheels. Claude watched the cars intently, hoping his theory panned out. When the cars began to slow down and _sink_ into the street, he brought Sophia to a halt and watched as his plan came to fruition. 

“Whoa, how did you know that would happen?” Kirby asked. 

“Whatever magic that makes the ship work turns the cement around it into liquid. Get too close and you might fall in,” Claude explained. “ **That** was my cunning plan.” 

Yoshi looked on, unimpressed. “What are you waiting for? Falcon’s getting away!” 

“I don’t want the cops to drown in the street!” Claude said, aware of how odd that sounded aloud. He was relieved when the cars stopped sinking about halfway in. The occupants of the vehicles had to climb out through their windows but were no worse for wear. He could only imagine the stories they would tell at the precinct tomorrow. 

Sophia’s mobile capabilities were put to good use when the tank leapt over the cars and continued pursuit of the pirate ship. 

“That was just my first plan,” Claude revealed. “I’m gonna need help with the second one.” 

“What do you need us to do?” Kirby asked without a second thought. 

“I want to use Sophia’s hookshot to grab onto the ship. Somebody is gonna have to climb across and drop the anchor so the rest of us can get on.” 

It took Clyde a moment to realize that all eyes were focused on him. “Me? And why should I?” 

“I’m driving, Kirby is backup, and Yoshi can’t be trusted to do anything important,” Claude said, ignoring the heat vision Yoshi was burning into him. “Besides, don’t you want that bottle of rum he was talkin’ about? It’s a pirate ship; he’s probably got barrels of the stuff on there, and you can have it all to yourself.” 

Clyde rubbed the bottom of his muzzle in thought. “Only if I get all the rum.” 

“Fine by me,” Claude said with a shrug. 

“I’ll do it!” 

Claude turned a dial and a grappling hook emerged from the mouth of Sophia’s cannon. Keeping Sophia steady while trying to aim the cannon was proving to be more challenging than he thought. “This is so much easier in the games...” 

“You can do it!” Kirby shouted encouragingly. 

“Don’t do that,” Claude responded flatly. 

Kirby smiled sheepishly, “Sorry.” 

“Yeah, this is much more helpful!” Clyde said, suddenly slamming fire button. 

“Clyde!” Claude yelled in disbelief, but he abandoned any cursing he was planning when the hook perfectly latched onto the ship’s stern. “Uh...good job?” 

Sophia’s canopy opened, exposing them to the night air. Clyde removed his hat and slapped it onto Claude’s head. 

“What’s this for?” Claude groaned. 

“Something for my mates to remember me by if I don’t make it back,” Clyde said, climbing out of his seat. “I know how much you like my hats.” 

Claude rolled his eyes. “It’s just Captain Falcon and some kids...” he said, but Clyde had already made his way onto the rope. 

“Is he walking it like a tightrope?” Kirby questioned in disbelief. “He’s crazy!” 

“Keep ‘er steady!” Clyde called out. 

“I’m trying!” Claude kept Sophia under control but hoped that the pirate ship didn’t make any sudden turns. 

Clyde inched his way across the rope, but a boost in confidence lead to a burst in speed. Once he reached the midpoint, he made a massive leap all the way on to the ship. 

“I’m starting to wonder if he even needed the rope,” Kirby said. Yoshi snorted. 

Atop the actual ship was nothing but chaos and a cacophony of voices from the mass of kids. Captain Captain Falcon reveled in his lively crew of sugar-addled, costumed kids, and took to stuffing his face with candy corn while manning the ship’s wheel. The sudden change in mood garnered his attention when the children shuffled away from the stern in waves. 

“What be the problem here!?” the captain barked. 

“G’day.” 

Falcon gasped. “Shiver me timbers, it’s Skippy the Bush Kangaroo!” 

Clyde’s eyes fell onto the anchor. “Not quite, mate” 

Falcon got ahold of himself and approached Clyde with a forced scowl that made him look constipated. “Aaaarrrrr, I be **Captain** Captain Falcon and what business do yeh have on the S. S. Black Falcon?” 

“Drop anchor and give me all the rum!” Clyde demanded, rubbing his hands together enthusiastically as he imagined the spoils he could drink himself silly with. 

Captain Captain Falcon’s face beamed with a devious grin as an idea struck him, the kind of idea that would be no less of a stunning feat for his normal self to even begin the strenuous task of turning the gears in his brain to conceive. 

“How ‘bout you join me crew and get all the rum anyway?” he suggested with an arrogant grin. 

Clyde scratched an ear in confusion. “I...what?” 

“Be my first mate and not only do yeh get the rum on the ship, you get the rum we ‘find’ in our raids! What say ye?” 

“All the rum...for me?” Clyde murmured, his eyes glazed over in bliss. 

“Boys! Bring Mr. Skippy the rum!” 

“Skippy wants the rum!” the parrot cawed.

 

* * *

  

“Magic is what got us into this mess in the first place!” Fox complained. 

“Curses are a subset of magic so it’s not really fair to paint it all under one broad stroke,” Iris explained casually. The posse of woodland creatures she had amassed throughout the night nodded in agreement. Fox had half the nerve to punt them. 

“The point is,” Fox stressed through gritted teeth, “using magic so far hasn’t worked out too great for us, has it?” 

Samus and Niko sat on the curb of the sparsely populated street while Fox and Iris continued their little disagreement. 

“This isn’t very fun,” Niko said. 

“I’m almost tempted to pick up where we left off with the trick or treating,” Samus suggested. “It may sound ridiculous, but the worst things seem to happen to us when we’re just minding our own business: Ken’s rampage, the haunted house, Project Helix...” 

“OOOOOOOOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO!!!” 

“It’s like she wanted to prove my point,” Samus noted as Dark Zelda’s raucous laughter approached them. 

“I told you we didn’t need magic to lure her here,” Fox said with a haughty smile. Iris gave him a disapproving look until the sound of brass horns filled the air and highlighted the beginning of an ominous theme. 

_“My friends, I plead – stand back!_

_A friend-turned-foe is on the attack!_

_Our once ally is in deep distress,_

_Now that she has become a dark princess!”_

“You just had to get one last song in,” Fox growled. 

“You _earned_ that one, Fox McCloud,” Iris retorted. 

“I must admit, that was a catchy tune to welcome me with,” Zelda said, hovering above. “Unfortunately, it won’t change your fate. Destroy them, my loyal servants!” 

Five skeletons shambled out of the cover of night. The first lunged for Niko and fell apart in a pathetic heap after awkwardly ramming into his heavy Hyenard costume. Samus lifted a femur from the heap and examined it. 

“Plastic?” she said in amusement. “You had to resort to bewitching Halloween decorations to do your bidding for you?” 

“Give me a break!” Zelda pouted. “They don’t have Stalfos here. I’m working on something a lot better than that, and I’ll give you the first taste!” A magical bolt whizzed from her fingertips and struck Samus. 

The bounty huntress lurched forward as something forbidden crawled its way out of her larynx and emerged in one loud, guttural exclamation of, “Shadoink!” 

Niko was horrified. “Why did you say that?” 

“Her spell...she made me say it...” Samus curled up next to a bush in a ball of shame and despair as she experienced the first shocks of her inevitable transformation. 

“You might be a dark princess now or whatever, but that’s still pretty low. Look at her costume!” Fox raved. “Does anyone want another Captain Falcon running around?” 

“Oooooohohohohohoho!!!” Zelda guffawed through the streets. “You think I wouldn’t figure out how I came to be? You think I would just let you change things back to the way they were? She got what she deserved.” 

“You’re nothing but a...a big meanie!” Samus cried from her fetal position. 

“Her vocabulary is shrinking at a startling rate,” Iris said worriedly. “Zelda! This is cruel and unnecessary! We are your friends...if you do not desist, I will have to betray my sparkling and cheery personality and deal with you myself.” 

Zelda uttered a snerk unbecoming of a princess (evil or not). “Are you going to sprinkle fairy dust on me? You’re a fairy princess; you grant wishes and that’s it. And I’ll prove just how useless you really are in the grand scheme of things! Bolt of Involuntary Speech, strike!” She unleashed another bolt, this time striking Fox with it. 

“I won’t say it!” Fox screamed and clamped his muzzle shut. 

“Fight it!” Iris yelled. 

“My son would never forgive me if I ever said such a terrible, horrible, vile thing,” Fox said through gritted teeth. 

“I recall you actually saying it before,” Zelda said, rolling her eyes. “Enough of the theatrics!” 

She struck Fox with another bolt and “Shadoink!” finally emerged from his maw in an obnoxious burp. 

“That’s not fair!” he complained. 

“I hope you can keep it together for your sake,” Zelda taunted. “I have an army to build! Ooooohohohohohoho!!!” she cackled as she flew back into the night from whence she came. 

“How do you feel?” Iris asked. 

Fox shrugged. “I don’t feel anything...literally. I’m not hot or cold, but that’s not too bad.” 

Fox’s right ear slid off of his head and fell onto the pavement. 

“I definitely felt that. Somebody get that for me please.” 

“Should we start planning the funeral?” Samus wondered stupidly, watching in mild disgust as Niko scooped up the wayward ear. 

“I’m not dead yet!” Fox yelled. “I mean...you know what I mean!” 

Iris conjured a needle and thread. “I’ll sew it back on,” she said. “I bet Aurora never had to put up with this!”


	9. Parley is Not in My Vocabulary

Claude didn’t feel there was much to worry about when confronting a ship owned by Captain Falcon and manned by children, but Clyde was taking an awfully long time dropping anchor. 

“What’s taking so long?” he wondered aloud. 

“Do you think they got him?” Kirby asked. 

Captain Captain Falcon emerged on the ship’s stern and cut through the grappling hook’s rope with a sword. 

“Yup,” Claude confirmed what they all knew now. “They got him.” 

A cannon slid next to Falcon and he carefully aimed it. Claude activated Sophia’s thrusters; the tank nimbly leapt to the right before a chocolate cannonball could obliterate the section of road they were just on. 

Yoshi found the entire incident to be ridiculous. “You mean you went through all the trouble of wishing up something like this car and it can’t even take a hit from a chocolate cannonball?” 

“Can your _face_ take a hit from a chocolate cannonball?” Claude retorted. 

“What does that have to do with anything?” Yoshi grumbled. 

“It’s time for plan B,” Claude changed the subject. He let up on the gas, giving the Black Falcon some distance but keeping the ship locked in his sights. The ship was far enough ahead to deter any further attacks. 

“There’s a plan B?” Kirby asked. Claude nodded. 

“This turned into a rescue mission. I’m gonna hover over the ship-” 

“Wait, this thing flies!?” Kirby gasped. 

“Yeah, but a flyin’ tank ain’t exactly low profile,” Claude explained. “But y’know, desperate times, desperate measures. Anyways, I’m gonna hover us over the ship. Kirby, you’re gonna float both of us down. Yoshi...” 

Uttering the next words was an arduous task for Claude. It was quite obvious that he was physically struggling to say them. “Yoshi, I’m givin’ you the wheel,” he said quickly. Yoshi’s eyes widened, but he remained silent. 

Claude activated Sophia’s hover mode. The tank leapt into the air and its wheels extended before turning a full ninety degrees. Jetfire burst forth from the rims and propelled the tank into the air. Claude carefully navigated over the Black Falcon and locked the hover controls into place before he switched sides with Yoshi. 

To his surprise, Yoshi had quickly taken to the controls. Perhaps he had been taking notes. 

Kirby leapt into Claude’s lap and he held the puffball tightly to his chest. Yoshi opened Sophia’s canopy. 

“Keep out of sight until we’re off the ship,” Claude said to Yoshi. He looked down below and gulped at the heights. “I must be out of my mind.” He took a deep breath and jumped before he could change his mind. 

Once they were hurtling towards the earth, it was up to Kirby to get them aboard the Black Falcon. It only took seconds but it felt like hours to Claude before Kirby inhaled a massive amount of air and inflated his body. Claude clung to Kirby’s back as they glided onto the ship. 

Sitting against the base of the mast was Clyde. His inebriated state was nothing new to them, though he was aware enough to recognize and greet them. “Heya mates! Guess what? I have a fuzzy navel!” 

Claude pointed at the mug in his hand, “You better be talking about the drink.” 

Kirby tugged at Claude’s coat and pointed out the gaggle of children that engulfed them. “Does this new plan have a way to deal with all the kids?” 

Claude cracked his knuckles and said, “I’ll suplex some kids if I have to.” 

“As a pretend lawyer, I’d have to advise against that.” 

Claude grimaced. “Uh...parley?”

 

* * *

  

Kirby and Claude were marched into the captain’s candlelit quarters of the Black Falcon, their arms bound tightly to their bodies by licorice masquerading as rope. Lining the shelves were jars and canisters of painstakingly preserved vintage candy. They wondered where Falcon got his hands on such prized possessions, but like Clyde’s revolving hats, it was a moment of weirdness best left alone. 

Captain Captain Falcon waved his kid crew away and they left the room. It was time for an interrogation. 

“And who be the two of yeh?” Falcon questioned in a gruff voice. 

“You don’t recognize us?” Kirby asked. “Captain Falcon, we’re your friends!” 

Falcon leapt from his seat and slammed a fist on his desk before pointing threateningly at the little puffball. “That’s **Captain** Captain Falcon to you!” he spat. He sat back in his chair and said in a calmer tone, “Skippy must be from yer crew.” 

 Claude quirked a brow. “Who the hell is Skippy?” 

“Aaaarrrr, don’t play stupid with me! He came aboard yappin’ about anchors this and rum that. Crushed his will like fine china under a whale’s buttocks when I offered him the ship’s rum, I did.” 

Claude sighed. Even under a curse, alcohol was still too much of a temptress for the kangaroo. 

Falcon’s parrot suddenly flew into the room and circled the lantern swaying from the ceiling. “All the rum is gone!” it cawed. 

Falcon did a double take. “ ** _What?_** ” 

“First mate Skippy drank all the rum, that he did!” 

Captain Captain Falcon jumped out of his chair to go deal with his poorly chosen first mate but was stopped when Claude and Kirby scurried into the doorway. 

“You can’t bail on us, we said parley!” Claude complained. 

Falcon narrowed his one visible eye, the other still hidden by the eyepatch haphazardly applied to his helmet. “Where did yeh hear that word?” 

Claude feigned a shrug. “Heard it in a movie somewhere.” 

Falcon hesitated before he turned his nose up into the air and declared, “Never heard the word in me life!” 

“You can’t fool us!” Kirby said. “We wouldn’t be here if you didn’t know what it meant!” 

Falcon backed down a bit, leaning against his desk and folding his arms. “What could yeh possibly have to negotiate when yer tied up in me quarters and yer spy sucked down all the rum?” 

“Claude, let me handle this,” Kirby murmured. 

“Are you sure?” Claude asked. 

“I’m dressed as a lawyer; I should start playing the part, right? I’m a master negotiator and manipulator.” 

Claude hesitated a bit before nodding. “All right.” 

An uncharacteristically smug grin drew itself across Kirby’s face. “I’ve noticed your collection of vintage candy and the likes decorating your quarters. I found the licorice restraints particularly creative. I take it you’re a candy man?” 

Falcon stood straight with increasing interest. “So what if I am? What are yeh proposing?” 

“Let us go, tie yourself up and disband your crew or I’ll inhale all the candy in here faster than Cly- er, Skippy, gulped down all the alcohol!”

 

* * *

  

Kirby and Claude stood on the flimsy wooden board extending over the side of the ship as Captain Captain Falcon poked and prodded at them with his sword. The children cheered in anticipation and even threw candy to speed up the process. 

“Walk the plank!” Falcon growled. 

Claude glared at Kirby. “Nice job, master negotiator.”


	10. What About Your Friends?

“Nice job, master negotiator,” Claude muttered sarcastically. 

Kirby sighed in defeat. “Cut me some slack. The licorice was tighter than I thought; it constricted my airways!” 

“You’re made of cosmic marshmallows. You don’t have airways! Besides, I saw you gagging!” 

“You never told me how awful black licorice is!” 

“Less bickerin’, more walkin’ the plank!” Captain Captain Falcon demanded with a resounding chorus from his kiddy crew. 

“Don’t forget about this one, Captain!” one of the kids called out. Clyde was funneled through the crew, where Falcon looked upon him with hurt and disgust. 

“Ya coulda’ve been me best first mate, Skippy!” Falcon wailed. “But the rum! All of it! How could you? Now you walk with the rest of ‘em!” He shoved the inebriated kangaroo onto the rickety board, forcing Claude to steady him in his drunken stupor. 

“The fall won’t kill us,” Claude murmured, glancing at the cement below, “but it’ll hurt like hell, at least those of us with bones. So Kirby, when we drop, do your thing.” 

“Walk! Walk! Walk!” the crew chanted. Falcon closed in with his sword outstretched. 

Claude took a deep breath. “One...two...three...GO!” 

Together the trio took the plunge, diving in a jumbled heap before Kirby inflated into an impression of a pink hot air balloon. They still plummeted, but hit the ground with no more than a few scrapes and bruises. The Black Falcon sailed along the streets unbridled, its crew laughing along the way in triumph. 

Clyde rolled along the sidewalk onto his back before belting out a deep, rumbly snore. Claude held his forehead in disbelief. 

“Is he really asleep right now?” 

Kirby poked the kangaroo with no reaction. “You know, I think he has a drinking problem.” 

“One crisis at a time.” 

Kirby nervously fiddled with his costume. “Claude, I’m normally a pretty optimistic guy,” he began to confess, “but...I’m not really sure this going to end well. Nothing we’ve done has worked out for us.” 

“Let’s catch up with the others before panicking. Maybe they had better luck.” Confusion struck Claude as he glanced around the dark streets. “Wait, where’s Sophia?” 

“We were on the ship for a while. Maybe Yoshi lost us?” 

“How did he screw this up too?” Claude sighed and nudged Clyde with his foot, eliciting another snore. “I guess we walk around until we find him. Help me get Clyde onto my back.” 

Roaming the night streets wasn’t proving too useful, though Kirby seemed to come to life again. He had a warmth to his pink complexion, a bounce in his step, and a carefree aura characteristic of Dream Landers. 

“You were right, Claude, about not panicking. I feel better about our odds despite what happened on the ship. You know, I think we may be closer to fixing this problem than we might realize!” 

Claude thought that Kirby had shifted to being a little _too_ optimistic, though a glance at the time on his phone gave him hope. “It’s almost eleven. People should be going home now. Best case scenario is that we have the rest of the night to just deal with Captain Falcon, Zelda, and whoever else she might have affected.” 

“That’s the spirit!” Kirby cheered. 

“I like that you’re back to normal but let’s not get carried aw- gah!” 

“What’s wrong?” 

“Something sharp in my neck.” 

Kirby propped up on the tips of crimson shoes. “Looks like Clyde has a crocodile tooth necklace.” 

“Did he always have...? You know what, I don’t even want to know. I don’t even care if he manifests another hat. I don’t have time to worry about that nonsense.” 

Intense light illuminated the trio and gave way to the combat vehicle, Sophia the 3rd, which grumbled to a stop next to them. The canopy lifted with Yoshi still inside. 

“Where have you been?” Claude asked irately. 

“I was staying out of sight, you know, _like you told me to_ ,” Yoshi retorted. “Have you seen the size of this thing? It’s not easy.” 

“I guess that’s one thing you didn’t ruin tonight.” 

Clyde mumbled inaudible nonsense that made perfect sense to only himself as he stirred a bit. Claude let him down, where he teetered and balanced on his tail in a half-drunken stupor, with Kirby bouncing from each side to catch him if he fell over. Sophia’s canopy slammed shut behind them. 

“Hey!” Claude yelled, hitting the side of the tank. “Yoshi! What are you doing?” 

“He’s mad at you,” Kirby said. 

“He’s mad at me? He can’t be mad at me – I’m mad at him!” 

“You’ve been chewing him out since you found out about the curse. The way I see it, there’s a curser and a cursee. That is a word, right? Anyways, you can’t put all the blame on him.” 

“I’m not...I don’t like what Madam Baker did, but she’s not here so I can’t bludgeon her with quips like I want to.” 

“Maybe there shouldn’t be any bludgeoning at all. Yoshi seems sorry to me.” 

Claude let out a cynical snicker. “How can you tell? He’s so selfish and obnoxious that he’d never admit it.” He realized Kirby was going to protest again but beat him to the punch. “Look, I know you don’t get it. You think it’s a silly word so my reaction doesn’t make sense to you. But makin’ up a word and giving it to my friends to use is like giving a piece of my personality and soul to them. It’s like loaning out your copy of Zelda II to a friend and they bring it back with all the saves wiped...except it’s not Zelda II but the magic word, and instead of wiping saves, they beat some old lady with it until she cursed it.” 

Kirby grinned. “Zelda II is a piece of your soul?” Claude glared back at him. 

Sophia’s canopy opened once again and Yoshi looked down with a miserable mixture of remorse and regret and repentance and maybe even the run-up to a little bit of regurgitation that he articulated in two simple but genuine words: “I’m sorry.” 

Claude and Kirby nearly toppled over. Clyde actually did. 

“ _What._ ” 

“I heard everything you said,” Yoshi admitted, wringing his green hands. “I thought it was just a stupid word you liked to trick people into saying. I didn’t know the real meaning behind it. Claude, I swear, if I knew she was going to throw curses around, I wouldn’t have gone near that place!” 

Closing his eyes, Claude mulled over the apology. It was a big step for Yoshi, and even though they were still waist-deep in a mess, he seemed really sincere. “All right, I believe you. I just wish you would have said something sooner; we could have prevented all this!” 

“You’re saying you’d really cancel your Halloween for me?” 

“Are you out of your mind? We’d have left you behind, that way no one would be in danger.” 

“...” 

“I’m messin’ with you. First thing I would’ve done is found that old crusty Madam Baker and made her reverse the curse.” 

Kirby inflated and lifted Clyde’s limp form into Sophia. Once they were all inside, Yoshi slapped Claude’s hands away from the controls. 

“ **You** gave me the driver’s seat. I’m keeping it for now.” 

“It’s still my car,” Claude murmured. “All right. We can use the connection to Fox’s comlink to trace them. Let’s use the hover module, ‘cause discretion won’t matter if we don’t stop this situation before someone gets seriously hurt or worse.” 

“That’s fine with me!” Yoshi said, slamming the button that switched Sophia to hover mode. Jetfire catapulted Sophia into the skies over the suburban neighborhood.

 

* * *

  

Sophia landed in a street near where Fox’s helmet was giving off a signal. Claude had been right about people retreating for the night; a solitary darkness strangled the empty streets, twisting them with an eerie uncertainty. 

Kirby, Yoshi and Claude crept out of Sophia, leaving Clyde to sleep off the rum. They found a couple of their comrades huddled under a large tree, and there was a deep fear in the pit of their stomachs that they confirmed with trading glances, a fear unrelated to the creepy atmosphere that replaced the streets once filled with costumes and parties. 

Niko sobbed in his heavy costume, cradling an object in his arms. As they drew closer, they made the gruesome discovery that it was the head of Fox McCloud. In his despair, Niko saw them approach and told them, in a mournful cry: 

“Fox died.”


	11. (Some) Things Fall Apart

Kirby squeezed out a whine of grief and shock like a deflating balloon, Claude was shook speechless and Yoshi’s emerald scales whitened a few shades. 

“What...happened?” Claude finally asked with incredible difficulty; his throat refused to work. This was it, the worst case scenario. Undoing the curse couldn’t undo death itself. 

“It was Zelda,” Niko recalled through a running faucet of tears. “She made him say it...” 

Depressing music swelled from nowhere as Iris cleared her throat for a farewell song for the one that stole her heart many moons ago. She choked on a sob; the words never manifested. The music faded from whence it came. 

Fox’s eyes suddenly snapped opened, possessed by a pale, ghostly yellow light. “For crying out loud, stop being so dramatic!” the head complained. “I’m not dead!” 

Yoshi screamed, using Claude’s coat as a shield. Niko’s tears of joy weren’t that different from his tears of sorrow as he smothered Fox’s grouchy head. 

“I get it...” Claude murmured in realization. “I guess that really was a zombie costume!” 

“Why do you sound so surprised? I told you that at the castle! Niko, I really will be dead if you keep drowning me in tears.” 

Iris gently lifted Fox’s head into her own arms. “My love, I should have known you wouldn’t have left me so easily.” 

“I might be undead, but it’s still me. I’m just a little...spaced out right now.” 

“I can do something about that.” Iris waved her wand, dousing Fox with a coat of fairy dust. His head levitated as the scattered limbs and torso of his body mystically reassembled themselves beneath him until he was whole once more. 

“Much better!” he exclaimed, stretching out and testing the resilience of his body. 

“You’re a zombie, you’re going to keep deteriorating,” Iris said, her voice carrying grim undertones. “I can try to put you back together if you keep falling apart like that but our best bet is to end this curse as soon as possible.” 

Yoshi emerged from behind his human shield just long enough to ask, “If you’re a zombie, does that mean you’re going to try to eat our brains or something?” 

“You’d need a brain for me to do that,” Fox growled. 

“Geez, who farted in your Arwing?” 

“You don’t get to be offended! This is your fault!” Fox pointed accusingly, then retracted his finger for fear that it would fall off. “And I warned Peppy about those burritos...” 

Claude held up his hands. “Enough. We’re done with the blame game.” 

Fox’s brows rose a bit in surprise. “You forgave him? That’s awfully mature of you.” 

“Fighting each other’s not gonna fix the problem,” he replied. Yoshi taunted Fox by pulling at the corners of his mouth until Claude slapped him on the nose. “I can hear you stretching your face out.” 

“ _As I was saying before,_ ” Iris interjected, reining the conversation back in, “what Yoshi said isn’t that far off. Fox, it’s not just your body but your mind deteriorating too.  If enough time goes by you will turn into a mindless, shambling monster.” 

“Eugh. That’s depressing,” Claude said. “Did Wario ever resurface?” 

Fox grimaced at the thought. “You want to talk about depressing? Do you really want him polluting the air again?” 

“Okay, where’s Samus? I haven’t seen her since we got back.” 

“It’s a bit of a story. I take it the lack of Captain Falcon means you didn’t succeed?” 

“That’s a bit of a story too.” 

Claude and Kirby took turns detailing their failed mission: boarding the ship, Clyde’s “betrayal,” and their eventual capture and release. Fox and Iris told their side of things, from tracking down Zelda to their eventual ambush and infliction with the curse. 

“Samus fought it as long as she could but she was no match for this curse,” Iris told them woefully. 

Claude glanced around, fearing the worst. “That doesn’t explain where she is now.” 

“She basically completely transformed into Captain Falconess,” Niko said. “She wandered off looking for the Blue Falcon or something. Her attention span is gone.” 

“Guys...I think I found her,” Kirby said. 

Clutching one of Sophia’s massive wheels was what remained of Samus Aran, fully absorbed by the Falcon persona. “So beautiful,” she said in a euphoric, half-murmur, half-sigh. 

“Samus,” Kirby called to her. “Samus, please let go of the wheel.” 

She visibly pouted, shoving her bottom lip out. “How can you guys be so calm in the presence of this majestic creation? Just the sight of it makes me want to write poetry about it! I want to take it home and hug it and squeeze it and...” 

“Samus, pull yourself together! We have to help our friends! Captain Falcon may be a walking disaster but he does care about his friends – don’t you?” 

Samus blinked after Kirby scolded her, rattled by the epiphany. She stood up straight, dusted off her Falcon uniform and saluted no one in particular. 

“Let’s go save our friends!” she declared militantly. 

“Good, let’s go back to the tree.” 

Together, under the tree, what remained of the Smash Brothers Halloween party discussed what to do next. 

“It’s getting late so there’s not as many people out now,” Claude said. “This place is like a small park so we should be okay here. We make a plan and stand our ground.” 

“This would be a lot easier if they were chasing us and not the other way around,” Samus murmured. She froze when all eyes were on her. “What? Did I say something stupid again?” 

“I actually was thinkin’ the same thing,” Claude admitted. 

“We tried the lure thing with Zelda,” Fox said. “It didn’t exactly go well.” 

Iris shook her head. “No no, that was more like her ambushing us! This time we’ll be ready. We’ll have a plan for her.” 

“We’re really going to do this?” Yoshi asked skeptically. “Samus or not, any plan from a Falcon is bound to go wrong!” 

“It’s not _her_ plan it’s _our_ plan,” Claude emphasized. Yoshi folded his arms and grunted. 

“How are we going to lure Captain Falcon, though?” Kirby wondered. 

“Remember what we saw in his captain’s quarters? He had vintage candy preserved like trophies.” 

“Oh yeah...! Iris can handle that, can’t you?” the puffball asked. Iris nodded. 

“Iris, I wish we had a treasure chest full of vintage candy, the kind of stuff you can’t even find replicas of in any stores,” Claude said. 

Iris’s wand danced through the air, conducting a symphony of magic with a ‘ping!’ “Your wish is granted.” 

Fairy dust transformed into a ball of light that took shape into a wooden chest overflowing with candy. Samus was immediately upon the chest, scooping up what she could, and Niko helped her. “Scoop! Scoop for your life!” Samus yelled in a fervor. 

“Hey, hey! Leave some of that for Captain Falcon!” Iris shooed them away.

“I thought about rum after Clyde drank it all,” Claude said while sneaking a handful of candy for himself. “But this candy pirate version of Falcon has like a sixth sense when it comes to candy. He’ll be here in no time with all this vintage stuff in one place.” 

“That’s one down; do we have any ideas on Zelda?” Kirby asked. 

Fox bore a confident grin that came across eerily with his otherworldly appearance. “Zelda may be evil now but she’s still Zelda. Of all the people we know, who does she care about most?”

“...Me?” Yoshi suggested, pointing at himself. 

“I’d slap you right now if I didn’t think my hand would detach in the process. You know damn well that she cares about Link.” 

“Well excuuuse me, princess!” Yoshi complained. “How are going to make that work considering, you know, Link didn’t come here with us?” 

“Link doesn’t need to be here, she just needs to think he is. And you’re going to be him.” 

Yoshi looked panicked and took a step back. “You want to dress me up and use me as bait to lure out a highly dangerous entity? Does no one else feel an overwhelming sense of dread and déjà vu!?” 

“Everybody’s doing their part to help our friends,” Kirby said. “You should try too.” 

“No! This always ends badly for me!” Yoshi turned tail and began to run but collapsed into the grass when a line of squirrels formed a chain and tripped him. The rest of the woodland creatures assembled, pinning him to the ground. 

“Claude! Somebody! Help!” 

“Wait, this won’t hurt him, will it?” Claude asked. 

Fox smirked. “Iris, how much hurting will there be?” 

Iris looked appalled. “Fox! There won’t be any pain; my magic only brings goodness into the world!” 

Fox grumbled something. “Nah, it won’t hurt. It’s just a costume. So let’s get this over with – Iris, I wish Yoshi was in a Link costume.” 

Iris worked her magic once again, coating Yoshi in fairy dust that formed a green hat and tunic. The woodlands creatures retreated once the spell was complete. 

“I didn’t agree to this!” Yoshi complained, looking over his new clothes. A Link mask slid over his nose to complete the costume. 

“Look on the bright side,” Kirby said. “You now have a costume like the rest of us!” 

“Did you forget that I chose not to wear one?” 

Fox was starting to lose his patience. “Stop complaining and get it together. We have to sell this. I doubt we’ll get another chance if this doesn’t work.” 

“What am I supposed to say when she shows up?” 

Claude tapped the mask on Yoshi’s nose. “You’re Link. You’re not supposed to say anything, remember?” 

Yoshi was glad that the mask was covering a good portion of his face, because he started to blush after having forgotten that little detail. “So far the plan sounds like I lure her in close and then she obliterates us all.” 

Fox sighed. “We’re Smash Brothers, we know how she fights, and we know her weaknesses.” 

“Zelda channels her magical powers through body motions rather than vocalizations,” Iris explained. “If we restrain her, she should be powerless...mostly.” 

“Okay...maybe this plan doesn’t sound completely terrible...” Yoshi admitted in a murmur. 

“We’ll hide before she gets here, and when her guard is absolutely down, we’ll strike! Now grab your ocarina and I’ll provide the music.” 

Yoshi pulled a replica Ocarina of Time from his tunic’s belt and held it up to his lips. Zelda’s Lullaby, soft and melodic, drifted through the air by Iris’s beckoning with her wand. He found himself drifting along with the song in a near-trance, and when he snapped out of it, he turned around to find that his friends had vanished, tucked behind some bushes near a gate. 

Alone under the tree, he awaited the next phase of the plan to unfold. 

“I wonder how long it’s going to take her to show up?” Yoshi pondered in a whisper. “Hopefully she never does.” 

“OOOOOOOOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO!!!” 

“Why do these things happen whenever I don’t want them to?” 

Dark Zelda hovered above in the night sky and, once she saw the source of the music, her demeanor rapidly changed. Gone was arrogant, malevolent woman. She was now upset, vulnerable, and a little offended by what she saw. 

“Link...? How did you – when did you...they brought you here to deal with me, didn’t they?” 

Yoshi did his best impression of Link by saying absolutely nothing. Zelda floated down to the ground but kept her distance. 

“I can see that you’re confused by my appearance,” she began to explain herself. “This is who I am now, and you’ll just have to accept that!” 

Still, there was silence. 

“You don’t seem to be angry. I think I understand. You’re perhaps a bit annoyed by this sudden change of situation but...if there’s anyone in the world that can understand me, it’s you.” 

“How is she getting all that from him when he isn’t saying anything?” Niko asked in disbelief. 

“People have a habit of hearing what they want to hear from Link,” Kirby said. 

Fox shushed them both. 

Zelda started a slow stride towards Yoshi. “Maybe you do understand me after all. There is nothing that says that a dark princess can’t have her dark prince.” 

Yoshi fidgeted with every step she took in his direction. 

“This plan is going to fall apart if she gets too close,” Claude said. 

“Let’s wait a bit before doing anything rash,” Iris comforted him. “Yoshi, hang in there.” 

Zelda was close enough to touch Yoshi, and he saw a look on her face she had never directed at him before: adoration. 

“Please Link, together we can turn this miserable world into something worth looking at.” 

“She’s totally buying this,” Samus uttered with a bubbly giggle. 

Claude watched the scene in disbelief. “I can’t believe this stupid disguise trick is working – again. And...Fox, are you drooling on me?” 

Fox wiped his mouth. “Sorry...I’m getting really hungry and I think we know where that’s going.” 

“So who exactly is supposed to subdue her?” Kirby asked. 

“Niko has this big bulky costume, he should be able to hold her,” Fox said. 

There was a rustle from the bushes when Samus lost her footing from giggling. Zelda’s suspicion was raised, but Yoshi grabbed her hand to keep her attention. Dark Princess or not, she blushed from the sudden contact. 

“You do feel the same way about this, don’t you?” She ran a hand along his arm, noticing a peculiar difference. “My, your arm is smooth and green like scales. What happened to you? Your face is pale, and you’re a bit shorter too...” 

“AHOY!” 

The Black Falcon sailed to a stop in the street with its captain perched atop the ship’s mast. 

“Am I bein’ deceived or is that a trove o’ some o’ the finest treasure I ever laid me eyes upon!?” 

“Scoundrel!” Dark Zelda hissed. “You’ve interrupted a very important moment. Leave while I’ll still allow it.” 

Falcon began climbing down the mast. “There ain’t a man or woman alive that can keep Captain Captain Falcon and his crew away from his prize!” 

“Damn, they’re not supposed to be here at the same time!” Claude exclaimed. 

“Why don’t we just let them fight each other?” Samus asked. 

“Zelda’s gone dark and there are kids on that ship,” Fox explained. “If they go to war, people will inevitably get hurt.” 

“We must deescalate this situation as soon as possible,” Iris spoke with a sense of urgency. “Zelda is the closest. It’s time to subdue her.” 

All eyes turned on Niko. 

“What?” 

“You’re the designated person of subduing,” Fox said, then mulled over his strange choice of words. “Put that monstrous costume to good use and subdue her! We’ll follow up and deal with Falcon.” 

Fox patted him on the back with some encouragement before pushing forward. Niko burst through the bushes like a freight train charging straight for Zelda; Yoshi dove aside to avoid getting caught in the crossfire. With her attention on Captain Falcon, Dark Zelda was struck with shock and surprise by the ambush – and was even more shocked when Niko tripped and tumbled across the grass, rolling to a stop in a messy heap. 

Fox slapped his forehead. “Dammit Niko! Why do I keep you around?” 

“The costume was just too much for him,” Iris said with a cringe. “Poor Niko.” 

Claude shook his head and looked away. “This is the guy that let James get kidnapped on his watch. You should’ve known better than to give him the important jobs. He can’t drop the ball if you never pass it to him.” 

“Yeah, but he worships the ground I walk on,” Fox admitted with a shrug. “What’s a fox to do?” 

Dark Zelda was livid and turned her cold gaze upon Niko. “You dare stage an ambush on the Princess of Darkness? You will become that which you pretend to be!” She hurled a bolt that struck Niko’s crumpled form; the magic word escaped him with almost little resistance, and the transformation immediately began. 

“This right here – this is really bad,” Claude warned in a low voice. “I know you guys probably don’t know much about Mega Man X7, and I don’t blame you, but Flame Hyenard is not something that ever needed to be brought into this world.” 

“Now you tell us!” Fox exclaimed, slapping his forehead so hard that his hand detached and rolled across his face. “Just fantastic!” He rummaged around in the grass and retrieved it. 

“Go!” Dark Zelda commanded with glee. “Embrace your new form!” 

The metal contraption that had been just a costume became the true metal carapace of the maverick of misery, a firestorm of nuisance and agony known only as Flame Hyenard. Part hyena, part machine, and all around irritating, Hyenard made his presence known by erupting in flames and screaming his infamous catchphrase: 

“BURNTOTHEGROUND!”


	12. In the Midnight Hour

Flame Hyeniko gripped a ball of pure flames and wound his arms in a pitcher’s stance before hurling the fireball at the bushes where his former friends had been hiding. 

“BURN!” he screamed as the foliage went up in flames; the occupants had evacuated and scattered just before meeting a fiery fate. 

“Oooooooohohohohohohoho!” Zelda bellowed overenthusiastically. “Look at what you wrought upon yourselves in this pitiful ambush! Even on this night you cannot trick me, but you’ve certainly delivered a treat.” 

“Are you so sure about that?” Yoshi slid the Link mask off with a cocky grin etched along his emerald and white face. 

Dark Zelda, already pale and ghostly in complexion, turned a few shades whiter upon realization. “I knew you weren’t Link!” she declared, trying to save face. 

“Was that before or after you lovingly caressed my arm and whispered sweet plans of world domination in my ear?” 

“You won’t live long enough to tell another soul!” 

Zelda summoned Din’s Fire, a ball of crackling flame, but it puffed out of existence like a wet candle wick when a tongue roped around her. She vanished unceremoniously within Yoshi’s maw, where she was digested and ejected from his rear in a spotted egg. 

Claude gagged. “That’s never not going to be nasty. I’m gonna need years of therapy to erase that image.” 

“Now imagine living through that in a Smash match,” Kirby said. 

“Don’t YOU eat people too?” 

“They don’t come out of my butt in eggs!” 

Yoshi held his body against the newly laid egg as it bounced, rocking back and forth. “Guys, this won’t hold her for long. Let’s deal with the rest of our problems before she breaks out!” 

Samus cracked her knuckles. “I’ll show the tin can what Lady Falcon can do!” 

“Wait!” Claude grabbed her arm before she could leave. “Falcon powers are fire-based. Flame Hyenard’s weakness is water.” 

“Oh...” Samus squinted as her brain churned with a low mechanical wheeze, thinking long and hard on a solution, then her face lit up as it came to her. “Iris, I wish I had a water gun!” 

“You got it!” 

A children’s neon-colored water gun materialized in Samus’s arms and squeaked noisily as she pumped it with air. “It’s time to rain on his parade.” 

“I thought she’d go for something like a water hose or a rainstorm,” Iris admitted as she watched Samus dash off into battle. “But I can only give people what they wish for.” 

“If she can take him down with a super soaker, more power to her,” Claude said. 

Flame Hyeniko’s back was turned when Samus approached, a gurgle of agony and curses escaping his metal maw. 

Samus couldn’t help but grimace. “You poor thing. I’ll put you out, and then we’ll get you back to normal.” 

“BURN!” 

Captain Captain Falcon gracefully somersaulted from his ship, positioning himself as a human shield before Samus. He swept the hat from his helmet and bowed before her. 

“A pearl such as you shouldn’t trouble yerself with this.” 

“Step aside, citizen. This is a job for a Falcon.” 

“And if she isn’t the most beautiful Falcon this scoundrel has ever laid eyes on, I don’t know who is!” 

“Burn... to the ground?” Hyeniko murmured in confusion from the connection sparking between Falcons new and old. “BURN!” He screamed, fed up with being ignored. He hurled a fireball that passed between them and landed dangerously close to the pirate ship. 

“Yarr, you best think twice before setting me ship ablaze, or it’s off to the scrap heap with ya!” 

“No!” Samus blocked him with her arm. “We’re only supposed to stop him!” 

“Are you sayin’... you want this old seadog on yer side?” 

She smiled and nodded. “Show me ya moves.” 

Captain Captain Falcon and Flame Hyeniko collided in a battle of fire and intensity, trading a ferocious blur of blows. What seemed like an even match started to tilt in Hyeniko’s favor when he began to outmatch Falcon in speed, at one point appearing to be in three places at once, leaving Falcon and Samus wondering if they were dealing with a speed mirage or if he actually managed to multiply. At the speeds Hyeniko hurtled by, the water gun was rendered useless; Samus could only wait for Falcon to rein Hyeniko in long enough for her to get a few good shots in. 

Meanwhile Wario, living up to his costume, emerged from the cover of darkness and chaos to pilfer the chest full of vintage candy. Several sets of beady eyes within the grass watched his every move, squeaking in alarm when he got too close. With the flick of her wand, Iris slammed the chest shut just inches away from Wario’s twitching fingers. 

“Oh, no you don’t!” she scolded him. “You can’t disappear on us like that and reap the rewards when nobody’s looking!” 

“Wario the Thief earns his rewards based on how good he can swipe ‘em!” 

“If you don’t help us out of this mess I’ll use my magic to force some personal hygiene on you!” 

“You better do as she says,” Fox warned. “I’ll wish for the cleanest bath you’ll ever be forced to take.” 

“Wah!” Wario shrank under the weight of their threats. 

“Help them stop Niko!” Kirby said, pointing toward the battle. 

The thief’s shoulders sagged in defeat as he turned toward the battlefield, accepting his fate. In a sudden burst of speed, Wario charged forward and leapt through the air with grace and agility that betrayed the gelatinous sack he called a body. He folded his arms under his legs, aiming his gas-cannon at the battle beneath him. 

“I’ve been holding this one in all night!” 

Samus’s Falcon-sense tingled; a shadow fell over the battle, causing the three of them to stop in their tracks and look to the night sky, where the moon was eclipsed by Wario’s own. 

“You fool!” Captain Captain Falcon screamed at the impending disaster. Whether Wario ignored him or couldn’t hear him over Hyeniko’s incessant screams about burning things to the ground didn’t matter; his digestive tract had spoken, and there was no stopping what was coming next. Even Samus’s falconized thought process recognized the danger, and she fled together with Falcon. 

“Bombs away!” Wario gleefully announced. 

A calamitous tempest of flatulence erupted from his ass with the power of over a hundred farts compressed into a weapons grade cloud of funk. Hyeniko stared down the toxic plume barreling toward him in an unnerving state of tranquility. A tiny flame sparked to life in one of his metal palms; he flicked it forward with all the care and significance of a spent cigarette. 

With an uncharacteristic serenity but still completely psychotic demeanor, he proclaimed, “BURN.TO. THE. GROUND.” 

Fuel met fire, setting off a catastrophic explosion that rocked the area and backfired to the source, sending Wario careening into the sky with a trail of flames bursting from his butt. The last trace of him was witnessed as a twinkle in the stratosphere. 

Somewhere in the distance, a disembodied voice shouted “K.O.!” 

The Black Falcon took devastating damage from the blast, with a part of the bow having blown away entirely. Fires broke out across the ship, and with no actual water to help put them out, the crew was stranded in mortal danger. 

“Me ship!” Captain Captain wailed. “The crew!” 

“I’ve got this one mates!” a voice rang out. Piloting Sophia the 3rd, Clyde contributed to the rescue efforts by parking near the missing chunk of the bow. Falcon and Samus used Sophia’s height to reach the ship, using the top of the vehicle as a massive stepping stool for evacuating the kids safely. 

Unfortunately for everyone, the shockwave from the explosion compromised Dark Zelda’s prison; the egg shattered and she emerged with an array of spells already prepared. Her first spell ensnared Yoshi in roots, pinning him to the ground. Her second spell, a cannonball of wind, struck Fox square in his center, and he fell to pieces like bowling pins after a strike. 

“This is just fantastic!” he complained, his voice muffled after his head rolled to a stop with his face pressed in the grass. 

Her third and final spell was a bolt of loquaciousness aimed squarely at Kirby, before she hovered into the air out of their reach. 

“Shadoink!” Kirby squeaked before covering his mouth. 

Claude groaned. “You really fought that one didn’t you?” 

“I’m sorry...” Kirby whined, but his remorse vanished along with his original personality. Suddenly, he fished through his briefcase before leaping up and slapping papers into Claude’s arms. 

“What’s this?” 

Kirby adjusted his glasses and responded coldly, “On behalf of Marvel Comics, you’ve been served for infringing on their copyrights.” 

“You can’t sue somebody for wearing a Halloween costume on Halloween!” Claude complained. “If it worked like that, you could probably sue everybody in a costume based on a character today!” 

Kirby gave him a long and serious stare before saying, “A challenge worth taking, yes.” He hoisted his briefcase and scurried off into town to make due on that idea – thousands of potential defendants needed to be served. 

“I can’t believe we lost Kirby,” Iris said, the life draining from her voice. 

“Well I’m still here!” Yoshi cried out, struggling with the roots. “And I could use some help!” 

Claude wished for a real sword that replaced his fake, busted one and used it to cut Yoshi free while Iris retrieved Fox’s head. 

“Samus, Falcon and Clyde are still helping the kids get off the ship,” Claude said, assessing what was left of their situation. “Falcon doesn’t seem to be a threat anymore... and Niko disappeared after he ignited Wario’s fart. So right now it’s really just three of us and Fox’s head. We can figure out a way to stop Zelda, right?” 

“Can you, now?” Zelda taunted from above. “While you fools were chasing shadows throughout town, I was enacting the very plan I warned you about – the plan that will bring this world to its knees! You will witness the fruits of my labor, and the new era begins with your destruction. Come, slaves! Annihilate my enemies, and make their demise slow and agonizing.” 

She snapped her fingers with an echo that reverberated through the air. They emerged, her costumed slaves, dozens at a time until they were beyond the point of counting – in the streets, from behind homes, or even just the cover of night. Her victims with suppressed identities and stripped autonomy shambled forward like ancient machinery threatening to crash down on her foes. The last members of the resistance were surrounded, outnumbered, and threatened with suffocation. 

Claude wielded his sword, but the blade wavered halfheartedly. Yoshi latched on to him and shook him hysterically. 

“Claude, do something! Where are those obnoxious powers and that fancy gun of yours when we need them?” 

“You know I don’t have powers on Earth!” 

“And even if he did, we don’t want to hurt them,” Iris added. “They’re just innocent pawns in her game. She truly is a dark princess.” 

Yoshi let out something between a groan and a whine. “But... we can’t just stand here and let them rip us to shreds!” 

Dark Zelda’s slaves, unrelenting in their march, had surrounded them and continued to gain ground. Her enemies were the last remnants of an island with the rising tide threatening to drown them. 

“Ooooooohohohohohohoh!!!” Dark Zelda bellowed from the skies. “The walls are closing in around you – what will you do?” 

“I always imagined I’d be fully intact when I died,” Fox murmured from Iris’s arms. 

Yoshi choked up, his voice cracking, “I know I said it before but I’m really sorry for causing this. And I know I never said this before but you guys are the best friends a yoshi could have! I really mean it! You put up with me through all the years and... is that a bell?” 

Somewhere, a bronze bell swayed, overtaking the sounds of night with a deep, methodical _boooong!_  

“Church bell,” Claude noted in a flat voice. 

Yoshi gritted his teeth. “Could somebody shut that thing up? Trying to do a death speech here! If I’m gonna die, I should at least be able to say what I have to say without interruption!” 

“It’s midnight. That’s what it does.” 

Iris squeezed Fox’s head a little tighter. “Oh, the poetic nature of dying at midnight on this day of all days.” 

“You could sound a little less enthusiastic,” Fox grumbled. His sight was suddenly filled with thousands of tiny, sparkling lights – had the end come already? 

“Wait, look!” Iris exclaimed. They all saw the lights. 

Yoshi reached out to grab a few. He felt a warm tingle as the lights slipped out of his hand like trapped bubbles under water. “What **is** this stuff?” 

“It’s magic vapor. When a massive amount of magic is quickly dispelled, the residual energy turns into this before dissipating.” 

Realization struck Claude. “You said the curse could be timed... maybe it was only supposed to last through Halloween!” 

Dark Zelda suddenly plummeted from above, collapsing into the grass. She threw a hateful glare at them before screaming, “What have you done to me!? My power... everything is falling apart!” 

“You did this to yourself!” Yoshi retorted. 

“You built your plan of world domination on the foundation of borrowed magic. It’s an amateur mistake I would expect from the fake Zelda that you are,” Iris said with a rare snideness. 

Glowering, Zelda reached out to her army. “Help me destroy them before it’s too late!” she pleaded on deaf ears. The army had frozen in place like a sea of mannequins before her hold over them broke entirely. In small waves, they came to their senses, some scared but mostly confused. Objects constructed by magic facilitated through the curse – Sophia, the Black Falcon, the chest of vintage candy, Yoshi’s Link costume – started to break away into wisps of light to join the rest of the magic vapor. 

Iris could feel her own powers fluctuating. “If there’s a final spell you want me to cast, you better ask for it before my power is gone!” 

“What’s the point?” Yoshi complained. “Everything’s going back to the way it was.” 

“That’s not exactly true,” Claude said. “Iris, I wish everyone and everything was back where they’re supposed to be, the way they were supposed to be before this mess started!” 

“Your final wish is granted!” Iris shouted toward the sky, using the last of her magic to set right what once went wrong. Dark Zelda’s victims vanished, as did the kiddy crew of the Black Falcon, sent back to the streets they were originally encountered on. The Smash Brothers were reconstituted there under the tree; Fox had been put back together, Wario rescued from the Earth’s stratosphere, and even Niko reappeared, no longer possessed by the crazed spirit of Flame Hyenard. The magic vapor faded away, the curse fully undone, and everyone back in their right mind... or as right as their minds had been beforehand. 

Captain Falcon stood there in a daze, the stuffed parrot on his shoulder wobbling haphazardly. “I just had the strangest dream...!” 

* * *

Together they all sat under the tree on a blanket Zelda conjured in a makeshift midnight, post-Halloween picnic, sharing the candy they collected before everything went awry. Claude went to each of his friends to check on how they were recuperating with the whole ordeal. At least talking about it was a cathartic experience. 

“I can’t believe I ever imagined what a dark version of me would be like. It was foolish to even dress up like this,” Zelda scolded herself. “I almost hurt so many people...” 

“It’s not like you knew what was going to happen,” Iris tried to console her. 

“Dark Link is a menace so I should have known Dark Zelda would be just as dangerous. To be honest, I wanted to understand why he has so many fans,” the princess admitted. 

“A lot of terrible people have fans,” Claude said. “Just because people admire them doesn’t mean they’re worth admiring. And evil versions of good guys are a really popular trope... it doesn’t mean anyone wants those versions to be real.” 

“My curiosity has certainly diminished on that subject,” she concluded. 

“I’m sorry you guys had to chase me around,” Captain Falcon chimed in through a mouthful of candy corn. “It’s fun to think about being a pirate every now and then but I’d never want to actually be one. I don’t know how to run a ship, and when it went up in flames, I was so scared those kids would get hurt. I can’t be responsible for something like that. I don’t have that in me.” 

“I think I understand you better than ever now, Doug,” Samus said. “I get so annoyed by your antics sometimes but when I saw Sophia, I literally lost control of myself. You’re wired a certain way and there are things about you outside of your control.” 

Captain Falcon nuzzled up against her with a stupid grin. “Aw, my steel magnolia really gets me! Thinking about officially becoming a Falcon?” 

“Let’s not get carried away.” 

“I don’t remember anything,” Clyde moaned. “I got to drive a cool car, walked a tightrope, rescued kids from a fire, drank a ship’s worth of rum... and the only proof I have is this hangover I feel coming! How cruel is that?” 

“At least you got to do something cool,” Niko said. “All I want to know is – why do these things keep happening to me?” 

Yoshi rolled his eyes. “Quit whining, you got to put Wario in his place. Maybe he’ll think twice before farting everywhere next time.” 

Wario was stuffing his overalls with candy when his ears twitched. “Wah? Wario doesn’t remember anything like that!” 

“If my farts blew up in my face I’d pretend I didn’t remember too!” 

Wario turned his back to the laughter that followed. 

“So what was it like being a lawyer for like five minutes?” Claude asked his pink friend. 

Kirby leaned back and recalled the brief experience. “It’s funny. I’ve never been inside of a courtroom before but after the curse took hold of me, I was thinking of all kinds of ridiculous lawsuits to get me and as many people in one as I could. Right before the curse broke, I had a great plan to sue beekeepers for selling honey without sharing the profits with the bees...” 

“That lawsuit’s ridiculous enough that I’m sure it’s been done before,” said Iris as she hugged up with Fox. “I really liked being able to grant people’s wishes. To make someone’s dream come true like that leaves me with a warm and fuzzy feeling.” 

 “You sure that feeling’s not coming from me?” Fox hummed against her. 

“Shush, you! I am going to miss my little animal friends...” 

“I won’t miss the singing.” 

“Oh really? So what’s worse, the songs or being reduced to a severed head?” 

“The songs, easily.” 

“You’re going to regret telling me that, Fox McCloud.” 

“I knew I heard singing!” Claude stifled laughter under the very real, very close threat of violence from Fox. “Some things that happened tonight are worth remembering after all.” 

Fox scowled but let it go. “You know, you could have wished for Iris to erase all the bystanders’ memories. You aren’t worried about them remembering?” 

Claude shrugged and grabbed a piece of chocolate. “What’s anybody gonna do about it anyway? It’ll make a fun story at a party or something. It’s not like anybody’s gonna believe them. Weird stuff is supposed to happen on Halloween so I figured, let them have this night.” 

“Even after everything that happened, I did have some fun,” Yoshi confessed. “Next Halloween should be even better.” 

“We know what to expect so we should be better prepared next time,” Samus added. “I have some ideas for my next costume.” 

Claude was stunned. “What do you mean ‘next time’? I thought you’d hate Halloween after tonight. I had so much planned, so many things I wanted everybody to see and do, and none of it happened.” 

“But I had the time of my life!” Falcon exclaimed, candy corn shooting out of his mouth. “I don’t think I can wait a whole year to come back and do this again!” He wasn’t the only one that felt that way – excitement and anticipation swept through them like an electrical current. 

Kirby jumped to his feet with an idea. “Who says we have to do things the same way next time? Claude brought us to Halloween, what if... what if we bring Halloween to our world? Let’s introduce the holiday to everybody, invite a bunch of people, and have a big Halloween party!” 

Fox gave him a skeptical look. “I’ve seen your house; ‘small’ is an understatement. Where are you going to have this epic Halloween party?” 

“I don’t know! We can iron out the details later!” 

“Speaking of late, I do believe we may have overstayed our welcome,” Zelda said. “The curse is undone but we’re still the anomalous element on Earth.” 

“It’s true,” Iris agreed, stretching and yawning. “My body’s running on fumes and candy right now. And I miss my precious boy... he almost lost his mommy and daddy today.” 

Zelda dispelled the blanket, ending the late night picnic. She held out both hands to start the teleportation circle, and each of the Smashers began to join in. Claude felt something tap his shin and saw Kirby at his feet. 

“Hey Claude, it’s pretty late. Are you going home now or are you coming back with us to our universe?” 

“I’m coming,” he told the puffball, joining him in the circle. “There’s something I need to do there real quick, then I can go home before anybody starts worrying about me.” 

Farore’s Wind was channeled through Zelda’s magic; a green funnel of wind whisked them away – battle weary but survivors – on the first leg of the journey back home to the Nintendoverse.


	13. Loose Ends (Epilogue)

Deathly silence strangled Castle Town’s marketplace, broken only by the distant yowling of wolfos, the panicked, whiny responses of street dogs, and Claude’s own footfalls. He’d never been in Hyrule this late before and saw the town in a new, eerie light, devoid of people and warmth. The utter lack of any signs of life made his destination stand out even more in the darkness. Stooping there at the end of the street was Madam Baker’s Fortunes, a low light creeping through the windows, the curtain serving as a door swaying ever so slightly in the night breeze. The infamous Madam Baker had to be inside. This was the place where Yoshi was cursed, where _his_ word was cursed. Exhilaration raced up Claude’s spine as he made a beeline toward his destination. 

Violet crystals cast their pale light across the room and incense filled Claude’s nostrils before he passed the threshold. In the center of the room was a low table, and on its far side sat a tiny woman wrapped in a shawl. She was a gargoyle perched on those velvet pillows, her poise unwavering even under the blaze of his eyes. 

“I’ve been expecting you,” she spoke at last, her voice hushed by filling the room. 

“You should after what you did.” 

“Sit,” the old woman gestured towards the pillows. “I know you have much to say.” 

Claude folded his arms in contemplation, shifting his weight in rigid defiance. From his vantage point, Madam Baker, purveyor of curses, was a vulnerable, shriveled up old thing. How could she be responsible for so much? 

He sank down onto the pillows and immediately let her have it, “What the heck is wrong with you? A curse? Really?” 

Everything from the quirk of the woman’s fingers to her words was slow and painstakingly methodical. “I don’t turn to such methods for those who do not deserve them.” 

“If Yoshi gets out of line, all you gotta do is smack him on his big nose. He’ll get it.” 

“How has that been working for him so far?” 

“A lot better than curses, I know that much.” 

Madam Baker gripped the crystal ball before her, massaged the glass with her withered fingers before her hands suddenly released it and retreated under her shawl. “Your friend was headed down a narrow path of self-destruction.” 

“Is that a prophecy or just your opinion?” 

“You don’t need my abilities to see the fate he was crafting for himself when he entered this chamber and put on a grand performance of a fool.” 

Claude narrowed his eyes, trying to read her. “You’re honestly tellin’ me that you didn’t curse him because he got under your skin but because your powers of premonition told you that you needed to save him from some preordained doom he was making for himself?” 

“You’re welcome.” 

“Tch! Even if I believed you, which I don’t, you still went about it the wrong way. Look... I’ve known these guys longer than I’ve actually _known_ them, since before I ever got lucky enough to step foot in the Nintendoverse. Video games were always a cornerstone in my life. They brought me peace of mind when my world got to be too much, they sparked my imagination and creativity, and they even brought me together with people that became my friends because we liked the same kind of games. Do you know how much I was stressin’ out over this Halloween trip? I was excited about it too, but this was also my opportunity to give these guys a memorable, meaningful experience that was important to me, the same way they’ve always done for me. You almost ruined that.” 

An unnerving silence gripped the room; Madam Baker’s entire being seemingly receded under the shawl, immovable and unreadable under its protection. Claude only found himself more annoyed by her behavior. 

“You don’t curse my friends, you don’t curse my word, and you definitely don’t curse my friends and my word and let them go to my world knowing all hell could break loose!” 

“It was a learning experience for everyone,” she finally came to life. “The princess learned that there is a darkness within her that she has questioned for much of her life, and now she can confront it. The bounty hunter’s experience has brought a better understanding of the one she mimicked, and he in turn has learned a lesson on limitations and self-restraint. Making dreams come true in a dire situation has reignited something the vixen thought she lost, and the fox will trust his team again in the face of powerlessness. The pungent one knows that stealing has consequences, but I’m afraid that’s a lesson that will never truly stick with him. 

“And you learned that you can’t control everything. Sometimes you have to let things unfold on their own.” 

“So what about Kirby, Niko and Clyde? Just collateral damage?” 

“Some people are ill-favored by luck.” 

Claude let out a pessimistic, involuntary laugh before standing. “I said what I had to say. I don’t know how we keep getting tangled up with you, but this needs to be the last time.” 

“Curses are unlawful here; I made a gamble in the moment and broke the law of the land. The princess will see me in the morning with an ultimatum.” She paused. “You won’t have to worry about meeting me ever again.” 

“That was the plan.” 

“Sweet dreams, young one.” 

Claude left the store and vanished in a pillar of light, leaving Madam Baker alone with her thoughts. She’d never cast herself as a moral beacon of light, as Zelda learned weeks earlier. And she had come to regret several decisions in life, but this wasn’t one of them. If they needed to hate her, so be it. One day they would all understand the weight of her actions, and if that day never came, the history would still be there. Several Smash Brothers experienced subtle change for the better that Halloween night, and it was one of the few accomplishes she felt she could leave with. 

Madam Baker snapped her thin fingers, eliminating the light in the crystals and casting the room in darkness. 

~END

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Part 3 is already in the works, and it's not about the Halloween party. There's a subtle clue in the epilogue - did you find it?


End file.
